Want better sex? Heal your nervous system
An anxious or shutdown nervous system can't fully access pleasure
Regulate, Breathe, Slow down, Safety first, Desire follows
Want to have more satisfying sex? It may be time to look beyond the usual tips for improving communication and setting boundaries. One key factor that impacts all aspects of relationship and intimacy is the autonomic nervous system (ANS), which controls heart rate, breathing, digestion, immune function, and much more. Anxiety disorders are common, affecting millions of people worldwide. Many people don't realize their anxiety is interfering with their sex lives. This can lead to problems with desire, arousal, orgasm, and overall satisfaction. But there's hope! By understanding how the ANS works and implementing simple techniques like regulating, breathing, slowing down, prioritizing safety, and cultivating desire, you can heal your nervous system and experience better sex. Here's how:
Regulate the body
The sympathetic branch of the ANS triggers the "fight or flight" response, preparing the body for action. When it's active, the parasympathetic branch shuts off, leading to a "rest and digest" state that helps us relax and recover. In modern life, we spend too much time in the sympathetic state, thanks to constant stressors like social media, deadlines, and traffic. Too much stimulation can overwhelm our nervous systems and make it hard to feel pleasure. First, notice when your mind wanders during sex. Then take deep breaths and focus on your senses - what do you see, smell, hear, touch? Next, try this technique: Inhale slowly through your nose for 4 seconds, hold for 2, exhale slowly through your mouth for 6. Repeat 10 times. If this feels too intense, start by counting to three instead. Practice daily until you can stay present during intimacy without feeling tense.
Slow down and savor
The brain takes about 3 minutes to process information fully - but many people rush into bed without giving themselves enough time to warm up. Instead, engage in foreplay before starting intercourse. Kiss, caress, massage, whisper, explore - anything that makes you feel aroused. Slow down and focus on sensation rather than performance. The more you slow down, the greater your awareness becomes, making each touch more satisfying. Don't worry if you don't reach orgasm right away; enjoy the journey!
Feeling safe is essential for sexual pleasure. Many people are afraid of being judged or rejected, so they suppress their desires. But safety comes first. Communicate with your partner about what you need to feel comfortable and desired. For example, "I want to be gentle" or "Please let me know how I'm doing." Give your partner positive feedback throughout the encounter. If they meet your needs, they'll be more likely to continue trying.
Desire follows
When the parasympathetic branch of the ANS is active, we relax and feel desire. Start by noticing when you feel turned on. Maybe it's a sexy movie, a flirtatious text, or just waking up next to someone special. Then make sure you get enough rest, exercise, healthy food, and connection time with your partner. Ask yourself: What turns me on? How can I express this to my partner? What's getting in the way? By focusing on these things, you'll build desire over time. Remember, sex isn't just physical - it requires trust, vulnerability, and emotional intimacy. So take care of your nervous system, prioritize safety, and cultivate a mindset of openness and curiosity. With practice, you may find that sex feels better than ever before.
In summary, healing your nervous system is crucial for experiencing pleasurable sex. Regulate the body, breathe deeply, slow down and savor, and prioritize safety. With time and effort, you can unlock a new level of sensation and connection with your partner.