Relationships between partners require effort, communication, mutual understanding, trust, honesty, commitment, patience, and compromise to remain healthy and satisfying over time.
Couples experience difficulties maintaining these qualities when military personnel undergo deployment, which has been shown to negatively impact their mental health and relationship functioning. Soldiers may withdraw from their partners emotionally upon returning home due to trauma exposure, depression, PTSD, and alcohol abuse. Partners are often left confused about why their loved ones act distant even though they seem physically present. How do partners sustain relational engagement when soldiers' post-deployment emotional availability is unpredictable? In this article, I will discuss three strategies that can help partners maintain relational closeness during periods of disengagement: emotional attunement, active listening, and reassurance seeking.
Emotional Attunement
One strategy for staying connected despite emotional distance is through emotional attunement. Emotional attunement involves paying attention to your partner's verbal and nonverbal cues and responding in a way that validates their feelings.
If a soldier comes back home after a deployment feeling upset or agitated, they might communicate this with body language like fidgeting, sighing, or crying. It would be helpful if the partner could validate the soldier's distress by saying something like "It sounds like you had an intense time during your deployment," or "I see how difficult it was." This validation helps build trust between partners because the soldier feels heard and understood. In turn, they feel more comfortable sharing their thoughts and emotions.
Another strategy to foster emotional connection is through active listening. Active listening involves focusing on what your partner says without interrupting, judging, advising, analyzing, or planning solutions. This approach shows respect and empathy toward the soldier's experience, which makes them feel valued. The partner can demonstrate active listening skills by mirroring statements ("So you felt lonely"), paraphrasing ("You didn't get much time off from work?"), clarifying ("Was that a good thing or bad thing?), or summarizing ("So you were happy when you returned home but then upset when we started fighting about money"). Active listening also requires patience as the soldier shares their story, which builds rapport over time. As the relationship progresses, the partner knows the soldier better, making communication easier.
Reassurance Seeking
Reassurance seeking involves finding out what the soldier needs from the relationship at any given moment. Partners must constantly ask themselves: "How can I make things easier for my loved one right now?" Reassuring behavior includes affirming the soldier's efforts at recovery, reaffirming their commitment to the relationship, providing physical closeness and touch, and letting them know they are loved and supported.
A partner could say, "I am here for you always," or "It will be okay," or "Let me help with chores." They may also show their support in nonverbal ways like hugging, kissing, holding hands, or cooking dinner. Such acts of kindness create a sense of safety and security for soldiers who have been through traumatic experiences.
Partners need to stay connected despite periods of disengagement due to post-deployment emotional distance. Emotional attunement helps couples feel heard and understood by validating each other's feelings. Active listening demonstrates respect for your partner's experience and makes them feel valued.
Reassurance seeking shows love and care during challenging times by meeting their needs in practical ways. These strategies require patience, effort, and consistency but help foster healthy relationships that last over time.
How do partners sustain relational engagement when soldiers' post-deployment emotional availability is unpredictable?
One of the strategies that partners can employ to sustain relational engagement despite the soldiers' unpredictable emotional availability after deployment is through open communication. Partners should strive to create an environment where both parties feel comfortable expressing their feelings without fear of judgment or criticism. They should also be patient with each other as they adjust to new routines and schedules, which may take time.