Survivors of abuse often struggle with conflicting emotions and experiences related to their interactions with perpetrators. On one hand, they may feel a strong sense of attachment and even affection for the person who harmed them, particularly if there was some level of consensual relationship involved. This can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and confusion as they try to reconcile their own thoughts and actions with the reality of what happened. In addition, survivors may experience cognitive dissonance - when beliefs or values are inconsistent with each other - as they grapple with the awareness that what occurred was exploitative and harmful. How do people navigate these contradictory feelings?
One strategy is to acknowledge and validate all emotions, both positive and negative, without judging oneself for having them. It can be helpful to recognize that it's normal to have mixed feelings about someone who has caused pain but also provided comfort or pleasure. Survivors can work through this by exploring their motivations for staying in the relationship and examining how much control they had over the situation. They might consider writing down their thoughts and feelings in a journal or talking with a trusted therapist or counselor.
Another approach is to focus on separating the individual from the behavior, recognizing that the two are not mutually exclusive. Even though the perpetrator acted in ways that were abusive and manipulative, they are still capable of kindness, empathy, and love. By acknowledging this distinction between the person and the action, survivors can begin to detach themselves emotionally while still maintaining a connection to the good aspects of the relationship.
It's important for survivors to prioritize self-care and healing, which may involve seeking support from friends, family, or professionals. This can help them build resilience and move forward with greater confidence and clarity about their own needs and desires.
Managing cognitive dissonance requires patience, compassion, and a commitment to personal growth, allowing survivors to reclaim their agency and live authentically despite past trauma.
How do survivors navigate the cognitive dissonance between feelings of attachment to perpetrators and awareness of exploitation?
The cognitive dissonance experienced by survivors can be explained as a conflict between their conscious knowledge that they have been abused and their unconscious desire for closeness and attention from their perpetrator. This often leads to a sense of guilt, confusion, self-blame, and difficulty accepting help due to fears of abandonment or betrayal.