Shame can be a powerful force that influences human behavior, especially when it comes to matters of sex, sexuality, and intimacy. Early childhood experiences, including those related to religion or culture, can create feelings of shame about one's body, desires, and actions.
For many people, these feelings can be overcome through various strategies that allow them to connect more deeply with their partners and enjoy healthy, fulfilling relationships. Here are some ways couples can work together to overcome shame instilled by early cultural or religious teachings.
Understand Your Shame and How It Affects You
The first step toward overcoming shame is to identify where it comes from and how it affects your thoughts, behaviors, and beliefs.
If you were taught that certain parts of your body are sinful or unclean, you may feel ashamed every time you see them or have sexual urges associated with them. If you experienced religious trauma as a child, you may struggle with trusting others and opening up emotionally. Examine your past and present experiences to understand what shames you and why.
Communicate Openly with Your Partner
Once you've identified your shame, talk openly with your partner about it. Share any fears, insecurities, or concerns you have about expressing yourself physically or emotionally. Be honest about how your shame impacts your relationship and ask for support in addressing it. Listen actively to your partner's responses and validate their feelings without making judgments or demands. This can help create a safe space for both of you to explore new ideas and practices related to intimacy.
Set Boundaries and Expectations
Setting clear boundaries and expectations can also help reduce shame around sex and intimacy. Talk about what feels comfortable and uncomfortable for each of you, including touch, language, and behavior. Discuss what you want out of physical relationships and whether you want monogamy, polyamory, or something else entirely. Establish rules for privacy and consent so that you both feel respected and safe in the bedroom. Agree on non-negotiables like birth control or protection from STIs and communicate clearly when these needs aren't met.
Practice Self-Compassion and Empathy
Practice self-compassion by treating yourself kindly and acknowledging that everyone has shame. Remind yourself that healthy sexuality is natural and normal, and work towards accepting all parts of yourself—shameful or not.
Cultivate empathy for your partner by recognizing their shame and trying to understand where it comes from. This can lead to greater trust, vulnerability, and connection over time as you learn to accept one another more fully.
How do couples overcome shame instilled by early cultural or religious teachings?
Some couples may find it helpful to work through their beliefs about sex and intimacy with a therapist who can guide them towards more positive perspectives on these topics. Additionally, exploring their shared values and commitments as partners may help to counteract any guilt they feel for engaging in sexual activities outside of what was taught to them growing up.