Trauma is defined as an emotional response to an event that leaves lasting effects on one's mental health and wellbeing. It can be caused by physical injury, mental illness, abuse, loss of loved ones, natural disasters, accidents, wars, etc. Traumatic experiences often lead to feelings of fear, helplessness, powerlessness, isolation, depression, and anxiety. These emotions may persist for years after the event has occurred. When trauma impacts a person's ability to trust others, it becomes more difficult for them to engage in intimate relationships, which can include romantic partnerships and sexual interactions. In order to avoid experiencing further pain or rejection from potential partners who they do not feel safe with, individuals may begin to develop patterns of avoidance behavior around erotic assertiveness.
Erotic assertiveness refers to the act of expressing desires, needs, boundaries, and preferences within a sexual relationship. This involves communicating what you want sexually without being pushy, demanding, or aggressive towards your partner. It also means respecting your partner's limits and needs.
When a person has experienced trauma in their past, they may have difficulty communicating these desires due to feelings of shame, guilt, or self-doubt about their body or sexuality. They may become overly dependent on their partner for validation and approval, leading to feelings of insecurity and fear of rejection if they express themselves openly. As a result, they may withdraw from intimacy altogether, avoiding situations where they would need to express their desires or engage in sexual activities that make them uncomfortable.
Let's say Jane had an abusive ex-partner who criticized her physical appearance and sexual performance during intercourse. This led to feelings of embarrassment and humiliation, as well as fear that she might never find someone else who would accept her. After breaking up with this partner, Jane began dating John, whom she felt comfortable enough with to be physically intimate with but still struggled with expressing her own desires. She was afraid that if she asked for certain positions or activities, he might judge her for being too kinky or inexperienced. She didn't want to risk losing him by asking for what she wanted, so she stayed silent and let him take the lead.
This behavior became habitual, and even though John tried to accommodate her preferences whenever possible, she still felt dissatisfied and resentful.
In another case, Sarah experienced sexual assault at a young age, which left her feeling ashamed and disconnected from her body. When she entered into romantic relationships later in life, she found it difficult to communicate her needs or desires without feeling judged or dismissed. She also avoided any kind of touch or contact that reminded her of the trauma. She would often withdraw from hugging, kissing, or sex entirely when her partners tried to initiate it, leading them to become frustrated and distant. She knew they were trying to connect with her on an intimate level but couldn't bring herself to open up due to her past trauma.
Overcoming trauma-related avoidance behaviors around erotic assertiveness requires understanding why you may have developed these patterns in the first place. It's important to work with a trained mental health professional who can help you identify your triggers and develop coping strategies for dealing with them. This could involve therapy sessions focused on building self-esteem, improving communication skills, and exploring new ways to express yourself sexually. It may also require practicing small acts of assertiveness in non-sexual situations before gradually working towards more intimacy with your partner.
Traumatic experiences can leave lasting effects on our ability to engage in intimate relationships and express ourselves sexually. Avoidance behavior around erotic assertiveness is one such pattern that many individuals develop as a way to protect themselves from further pain or rejection. By addressing underlying fears and insecurities, seeking support from professionals, and practicing new forms of communication, however, it is possible to heal from past wounds and experience greater satisfaction in sexual interactions.
How does trauma reinforce avoidance of erotic assertiveness?
Avoiding erotic assertiveness can be a coping mechanism that individuals may develop as a result of experiencing trauma. This is because when an individual has experienced traumatic events such as sexual assault, physical abuse, or neglect, they may feel ashamed, embarrassed, or anxious about engaging in intimate relationships. As a result, they may subconsciously associate sex with pain, fear, or vulnerability, leading them to avoid it altogether.