Insecure people often hide their fears behind bravado, avoidance, or confrontation. They may feel ashamed or embarrassed to admit they have weaknesses that others can exploit. Partners who love and trust each other must learn how to help each other conquer those insecurities. This article provides five strategies for softly dismantling these obstacles without making anyone feel attacked, criticized, manipulated, controlled, belittled, shamed, or humiliated.
Strategy one is to encourage and praise your partner's strengths while accepting his or her flaws. Praising someone implies acknowledging good qualities while recognizing bad ones. It lets him or her know you see them fully and accept them as they are. When a partner hears this repeatedly, they might begin to feel more confident about themselves despite weak points. You could say "You look great" while allowing "It doesn't matter if you don't like your haircut". Encouraging statements let partners become less defensive, which helps them express more vulnerabilities.
Strategy two is to focus on solutions instead of excuses. Partners might want to blame outside circumstances for everything, but that prevents learning or growth. Instead, suggest steps to improve things, such as asking for advice, taking risks, trying something new, working on a skill, changing habits, setting goals, etc. If your partner says "I failed because I didn't study enough", suggest "Maybe we should set aside an hour every day just for studying". Then follow up with "That could help us both succeed next time".
Strategy three is to validate feelings and listen empathetically. People need to be heard and understood, not judged. Listen actively by rephrasing what they say, summarizing, asking questions, clarifying, paraphrasing, reflecting emotions, suggesting solutions, etc. Letting partners talk about their insecurities shows respect, care, trust, and support. Validating their feelings means saying "Wow, it must have been hard when." instead of "Why did you do that?" Listening also provides time to understand why someone feels insecure.
Strategy four is to give examples from personal experience. If you struggle with the same thing, show how you overcame it. Sharing stories makes partners feel included and supported. It can inspire them to see themselves differently. You could say "When I was scared of public speaking, I tried deep breaths and made eye contact. Now I love it!" This builds trust between you.
Strategy five is to provide evidence against your partner's fears. When partners are wrong, give proof. Don't make assumptions or generalizations; use specific facts or statistics. Don't insist on things; ask questions instead. Say "Could you explain more about X? I'm curious about Y" and wait for a response. If partners think logically, they might realize their worries were unfounded. For example: "You said everyone at work hates you. But we haven't received any negative feedback or complaints. What else could be going on?"
These strategies take patience, kindness, and effort. They won't always work, but trying shows you value your partner's well-being. Avoiding arguments or criticisms gives space for communication and understanding. Be patient as partners learn to recognize and overcome insecurities.
How do partners gently dismantle each other's insecurities?
Partners can use empathy to understand their partner's feelings and insecurities. They should avoid blaming them for their insecurities but rather explore the roots of these insecurities together through open communication. They should provide positive reinforcement and reassurance when needed. Additionally, they can set boundaries that make both feel safe and secure.