Men, sexual anxiety, and the bedroom
Sexual performance anxiety is an experience most men have at some point. It can be especially intense during bondage/domination, sado-masochism, and fetish roleplaying because it involves power dynamics, risk-taking, and unusual situations that may trigger feelings of shame and fear. But there are ways to cope and improve confidence in these scenarios!
What's BDSM?
Bondage/domination, sado-masochism, and fetish roleplay are all part of BDSM, which stands for "bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism." It includes consensual activities like spanking, whipping, choking, humiliation, pain, restraints, and more. These practices have been practiced since ancient times but became mainstream after the publication of the book "Story of O" in 1954. Some people enjoy them as a lifestyle or hobby; others try them out once or twice. There's no right or wrong way to do BDSM — everyone has different preferences.
The problem
The pressure to perform well in BDSM can lead to sexual anxiety, especially for beginners who don't know what they're doing yet. They might feel embarrassed if their partner doesn't respond to their actions or worried about hurting someone by accident. Some men also worry about not living up to pornographic expectations, feeling inadequate compared to professional dominants, or being judged for participating in kinky acts. All this can make sex less pleasurable and intimate.
Tips for men to manage performance anxiety
Here are some tips that may help:
Communicate clearly with your partner
Talk openly with your partner beforehand about what you want to try, including any limits or boundaries. Ask questions like "Can I tie you up?" "Would you like me to use a safe word?" "Are there certain body parts you don't like touched?" This shows respect and makes it easier to give and receive consent. Discuss how hard or light you each want things to be, how long you should last, and anything else important. You might even agree on a safe word if things go too far.
Relax and focus on sensation
Concentrate on the present moment and avoid self-judgment. Let yourself enjoy the experience instead of stressing over how you look or sound. Focus on the physical sensations rather than performance, such as breathing deeply or imagining a peaceful place. Remember that BDSM is all about trust, communication, and respect — so take time to connect emotionally with your partner. Breathe deeply and allow your mind to quiet. You could also practice meditation techniques beforehand to calm down and feel more confident.
Practice ahead of time
Practicing techniques like knots, whipping, or spanking outside the bedroom can ease anxiety in the heat of the moment. It helps build confidence and prevents accidents. Many books, videos, and classes teach BDSM techniques; join a community group to learn from experienced people. Practice with friends who won't judge you or pressure you into doing something uncomfortable. The more you know, the less anxious you'll feel!
Reframe your expectations
Don't compare yourself to porn stars or professional dominants. Everyone has different strengths and weaknesses. Instead, focus on being authentic, genuine, and true to yourself. Experiment with different roles and activities until you find what works best for both partners. Take breaks when needed and don't force anything that feels wrong. Be open to trying new things together or changing plans if necessary.
Sexual performance anxiety can be tricky during BDSM because it involves power dynamics, risk-taking, and unusual scenarios. But by communicating clearly, relaxing, practicing ahead of time, and reframing expectations, men can manage their nerves and enjoy themselves more. Remember: everyone makes mistakes, and there's no "right" way to do BDSM. Don't let fear hold you back from exploring this exciting world!
How do men manage performance pressure and anxiety in sexual encounters involving BDSM?
Men may experience performance pressure and anxiety during sexual encounters involving BDSM due to various factors such as fear of rejection, lack of self-confidence, and the need for validation. They may feel pressured to act or perform in a certain way that aligns with societal norms or expectations, which can be challenging when engaging in unconventional activities like BDSM.