The word "trauma" originates from the Greek term meaning "wound". Trauma is defined as an emotional response to a terrible event. It can be physical or mental damage resulting from an accident, surgery, or other severe injury. In relationships, it refers to experiences that have left a person feeling helpless, powerless, fearful, unsafe, betrayed, hurt, and lonely. These feelings may last for months, years, or even decades after the traumatic experience has ended.
There has been increasing interest in the role of trauma in romantic relationships. Researchers have found that partners who have experienced trauma often struggle to connect with their partner in ways they once did before the trauma occurred. They may feel disconnected, distant, and uncomfortable sharing intimate details about themselves with their partner. This can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts between the couple. To address this issue, many couples are turning to trauma-informed relating practices.
What is trauma-informed relating?
Trauma-informed relating is a way of being present with your partner that takes into account past experiences of trauma. It involves recognizing that your partner's behavior may be affected by past trauma and responding accordingly. It requires being attuned to your partner's needs and desires, which may be different than your own. It also means being aware of how your own past experiences affect your current relationship dynamics.
How does trauma-informed relating differ from conventional expectations?
Conventional expectations in relationships typically involve a "fairytale" model of love where everything flows smoothly and easily. Partners assume they will always know what each other wants and need without having to ask for it explicitly. In trauma-informed relationships, however, partners must work together to create an environment where both parties feel safe enough to share their thoughts and feelings openly. This means communicating clearly and honestly with one another about what you want and need from the relationship.
How do partners adapt to intimacy that unfolds according to trauma-informed rhythms?
Partners who have experienced trauma often require time to build trust and feel comfortable with their partner before engaging in sexual or intimate activities. They may need reassurance that their partner won't withdraw suddenly or hurt them emotionally. They may need to take things slowly at first, gradually increasing physical contact over time until they feel ready to move forward. Trauma-informed relating allows for this gradual process to unfold naturally rather than expecting instant gratification.
What are some common misconceptions about trauma-informed relating?
Some people believe that trauma-informed relating is too passive or lacks passion.
Trauma-informed relationships can still be passionate and exciting if both partners are committed to building a strong foundation of trust and communication. Others believe that trauma-informed relating requires constant therapy or counseling, which isn't necessarily true. Instead, couples can benefit from seeking support when needed but also using strategies like mindfulness meditation, yoga, or massage to help relax and connect with one another.
Trauma-informed relating is a way of being present with your partner that takes into account past experiences of trauma. It involves recognizing your partner's needs and desires and responding accordingly. Partners who have experienced trauma may require extra time and patience as they adjust to new ways of connecting with each other. With commitment and effort, however, trauma-informed relationships can provide a safe and nurturing environment for healing and growth.
How do partners adapt to intimacy that unfolds according to trauma-informed rhythms rather than conventional relational expectations?
Partners often struggle with the unconventional pace of intimacy development when it is shaped by traumatic experiences and their related sequelae. They may experience feelings of frustration, anxiety, and disappointment as they navigate an unfamiliar territory where the usual rules of engagement are no longer applicable.