Trauma can have a profound impact on an individual's ability to form healthy relationships, particularly when it comes to intimacy. While many people may feel compelled to seek out closeness and connection after experiencing traumatic events, others may find themselves withdrawing and avoiding intimate relationships altogether. This seemingly paradoxical behavior is rooted in the brain's response to perceived threats and the body's instinctive need for safety and security. When someone experiences a traumatic event, their nervous system becomes hypervigilant and heightened, leading to feelings of fear, anxiety, and stress. The body's fight-or-flight response is triggered, which can cause individuals to either cling desperately to a safe and familiar figure or flee from potential danger. This can create contradictory impulses, both to seek comfort through intimacy and to distance oneself from the risk of further harm.
A person who has experienced childhood abuse may feel a deep desire for emotional connection but also intense fear that they will be hurt again if they allow themselves to get too close to someone else. They may crave affection while simultaneously feeling panic around physical touch or rejection. Alternatively, a survivor of domestic violence may seek out new partners quickly, hoping to replace the previous one but constantly worrying about being betrayed or abandoned. These contradictory impulses can lead to behaviors like sexual promiscuity, obsessive attachment, and emotional detachment, as individuals try to navigate the complexities of intimacy without fully understanding their own needs and desires.
Trauma can also affect how people interpret nonverbal cues and social interactions, making it difficult to read another person's intentions and communicate effectively. People with histories of trauma often have difficulty reading facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language, which can create additional challenges in establishing trust and building meaningful relationships.
Past experiences of betrayal or rejection may make it hard for traumatized individuals to believe that others truly care about them, leading to feelings of mistrust and isolation.
Trauma creates a sense of vulnerability that can make people afraid to open up emotionally or physically to others. While seeking closeness and intimacy can provide a sense of safety and comfort, it can also trigger anxiety and fear, ultimately creating an imbalance between the need for security and the desire for intimacy. By recognizing these contradictory impulses and working through them with a mental health professional, individuals who have experienced trauma can learn to build healthier, more fulfilling relationships based on mutual respect, trust, and understanding.
How does trauma create contradictory impulses—both to cling to intimacy and to flee from it?
When an individual experiences trauma, they may develop contradictory impulses that cause them to both crave closeness with others while also feeling afraid of being hurt again. This can lead to difficulty forming healthy relationships and feelings of loneliness and isolation. One explanation for this phenomenon is that traumatic events can alter the brain's ability to regulate emotions, making it harder for people to trust their instincts about when to stay close or distance themselves from others.