Queer Approaches to Grief
Grandma passed away last week. I was heartbroken. We all felt sadness, but it took different forms for each of us. Her death made some people feel guilt about how they had treated her before she died. Others felt anger because she didn't get to say goodbye. Still others felt grief from having lost their grandmother, while some were relieved that she is finally free. My grief was more complicated than most.
Grief can be understood as an emotional response to loss. It could involve feelings such as sadness, loneliness, fear, confusion, or anxiety. It usually happens when something important is missing or taken away. This includes losing loved ones, pets, possessions, jobs, homes, dreams, hopes, safety, health, and even our own selves.
In the case of losing a loved one, it means that we are no longer able to experience them physically or emotionally in the same way we used to. Their presence has been removed from our lives permanently, which causes painful changes within ourselves. The term 'loss' refers to both the material object or person we have lost and the social roles and relationships that they played in our lives.
If your spouse dies, you not only lose your partner but also the role of wife/husband, mother/father, etc., which affects other aspects of your life.
Queer approaches to grief view loss through different frameworks. They consider that grief does not occur because something is missing; instead, they believe that what is gone cannot be retrieved or replaced. Instead, queer theories emphasize how mourning involves a reorientation towards new ways of being without those things. Queer grief can also challenge traditional narratives about loss as private, individualistic, and linear.
Queer theory recognizes that grieving may include multiple losses simultaneously: for example, losing family members, homes, jobs, or partners all at once. It also understands how these losses intersect with larger systems of oppression based on race, class, gender, sexuality, ability, religion, nationality, age, and more. Queer approaches see mourning as relational and communal rather than an individual process.
I will discuss how queer perspectives might conceptualize grief in terms of relationality, ethics, and transformation in personal and communal contexts. To do so, I use literature and research related to non-binary grief practices as case studies.
Relationality
Relational approaches to mourning focus on how people are connected to each other by emotional ties beyond romantic love. They recognize that relationships are complex networks involving friends, families, coworkers, community members, pets, and nature. Loss means breaking up with someone you were close to (or want to stay close to).
One could experience a breakup with their partner due to death, divorce, separation, or estrangement. The person may still hold hope that the relationship will be restored someday.
Queer theory challenges normative ideas about relationality. It argues that our social roles and identities are constructed through cultural expectations around gender, sex, race, sexuality, etc. These structures shape what we consider normal, healthy, desirable, acceptable, and appropriate behavior within relationships. If we break free from those limitations, we can create new ways of loving each other beyond traditional models of intimacy and companionship.
Beverly Smith's work on 'nonbinary grief' describes how she mourned her partner's death while also redefining her understanding of who they were during their life together. She said: "I felt like my identity was changing into something else, and I didn't know what it would become." This quote demonstrates how loss is not only about losing someone but also renegotiating one's sense of self afterward. It shows how grief involves a transition towards new relationships with others.
Ethics
Ethical approaches to mourning focus on moral principles related to grieving. They ask questions such as 'How do we respond ethically when someone dies?' and 'What responsibilities do we have in relation to them?' Queer theories emphasize accountability for past actions, present choices, and future consequences of our grieving processes.
One could feel guilt over how one treated the deceased or regret opportunities missed while alive.
One study found that many LGBTQ+ people experience guilt after the loss of loved ones because they question whether they did enough to support them beforehand. The participants discussed feeling guilty for things like not spending enough time with their partners or missing signs of illness earlier on. They reported feeling shame due to cultural stigma around same-sex relationships and fear of being rejected by family members. These emotions can lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms like substance abuse or self-harm behaviors.
Queer theory encourages us to take responsibility without blaming ourselves. Instead of focusing solely on individual feelings of remorse or shame, it argues for collective action towards social change. We should challenge systems that make some lives more valuable than others (e.g., heteronormativity) rather than just trying to fix our own mistakes.
Alexis Pauline Gumbs' work on 'grief as resistance' describes how she used her grief for her mother's death to fuel activism against racism and misogyny. She writes: "My anger at my mother's murder transformed into a commitment to end violence against women." This quote shows how mourning can become political through efforts towards justice and liberation from oppressive structures.
Transformation
Transformative approaches to mourning focus on changing one's identity or life circumstances after losing someone. It recognizes that loss is not just about sadness but also opens up possibilities for personal growth and evolution. Queer theories argue that we must break free from dominant narratives about grieving in order to transform ourselves and our communities.
One study found that many LGB
How might queer approaches to grief reconceptualize loss as relational, ethical, and transformative in both personal and communal contexts?
Queer approaches to grief recognize that it is not just an individual experience but also involves relationships with other people and communities. This means that the loss of a loved one can be seen as a shared experience that affects everyone involved, including family members, friends, partners, and society at large. Queer theories emphasize the importance of considering multiple perspectives and challenging traditional power dynamics, so they would suggest looking at how grief impacts different groups and individuals differently.