The expectation of fulfillment is a common human motivation to pursue experiences that promise satisfaction. Sexual activity can become an opportunity for such fulfillment when it promises pleasure and connection.
Sexual fantasies about imagined partners, acts, settings, or scenarios often produce higher levels of excitement than actual sexual encounters. This phenomenon has been observed through research and anecdotal evidence among people who have tried abstaining from sex before. Abstinence may heighten expectations for future sexual experiences, which creates tension between imagination and lived reality. Why does this happen?
In order to understand why fantasy leads to heightened expectations, let's start with a definition of fantasy itself. Fantasy is a mental process where someone envisions an event or scenario that they wish to experience but haven't yet. It involves imagining how events would unfold if certain things happened, including what could be felt or done in the situation. Fantasy is different from daydreaming because there is no intention to act upon it. Instead, it's just a way to entertain oneself. The human brain processes sensory information, so fantasizing is a form of rehearsal for real-world events. If one imagines something vividly enough, they will anticipate its occurrence more intensely than other possible outcomes.
Sexual fantasies are typically visual images or narratives involving sexual activities. People might imagine themselves having particular kinds of sex with specific partners, using props or settings. They might even describe these in detail while masturbating or during partnered play. Some studies suggest that men fantasize more than women, though this difference appears to be decreasing. One survey found that 70% of participants had sexual fantasies, with over half reporting them frequently.
Not all people share their fantasies openly, so we can only speculate about how common they truly are.
Abstaining from sex can create pent-up energy and desire, increasing motivation to seek out sex when it becomes available again.
Some research suggests that abstinence also makes people more likely to have erotic thoughts. In a study on college students, those who reported more frequent abstention showed higher levels of sexual interest, arousability, and fantasy frequency. This may relate to the brain's natural drive to seek pleasure and connection through touch and intimacy. During abstinence, people may focus on fulfilling needs that remain unmet without physical expression. As such, sexual fantasy becomes a substitute for actual experiences.
When someone has been abstinent, they may also develop expectations based on what they've experienced in the past or read about in books or media.
They might assume that certain positions or activities will lead to greater satisfaction than others. If their previous encounters were limited, they may find it difficult to know which techniques work best for them. Anecdotally, many people report disappointment when their partners don't match up to the fantasy lovers imagined. This tension between imagination and lived experience is called the 'fantasy gap', where fantasies exceed reality due to factors like communication issues or body type differences.
Sexual fantasies after abstinence can produce heightened expectations for future sexual activity. While this doesn't always lead to problems in relationships, it can cause frustration if partners cannot live up to these expectations. Abstinence appears to increase both desire and sexual interest while deprivation creates an opportunity to explore new desires and preferences.
Understanding why we have fantasies and how they shape our experiences is crucial for enjoying healthy sex lives.
Why do sexual fantasies after abstinence create heightened expectations, producing tension between imagination and lived sexual experience?
Sexual fantasy can be defined as an imagined erotic scenario that is mentally constructed by individuals for various reasons such as pleasure, arousal, and/or personal gratification (Hill & Sutton, 2016). After abstaining from sexual activity for some time, one's brain will begin to crave physical stimulation which may lead to increased sexual thoughts and fantasies.