How do I rebuild sexual trust after trauma?
The experience of sexual violence can be deeply traumatic and can affect an individual's mental health and wellbeing for years to come. Trauma is often characterized by feelings of helplessness, fear, powerlessness, and betrayal, all of which may make it difficult to feel safe and comfortable during physical contact with another person. Rebuilding sexual trust after such an experience requires time, patience, and compassion towards both oneself and one's partner. Here are some steps that might help:
1. Understand what has happened and its impact
It is crucial to acknowledge the fact that someone has violated your boundaries, and you have been hurt. This acknowledgment should not lead to self-blame but rather to an understanding of how the event has affected your life. It may also involve talking about what happened with a therapist, counselor, or support group to process your emotions and begin healing.
2. Communicate openly with your partner
Once you have begun working through your own feelings, you must communicate them honestly with your partner. Be clear about your needs, boundaries, fears, and expectations. Explain why you need more time before engaging in intimacy, and don't force yourself to move forward if you aren't ready. Encourage your partner to be patient and supportive as you work through this process.
3. Set new boundaries
After discussing with your partner, set new boundaries based on what makes you feel most comfortable. These could include not being touched without permission, avoiding certain types of touch, using protection during sex, having limited physical contact outside the bedroom, etc. Remember that these boundaries can change over time, so keep communicating with each other to ensure they still make sense for both parties.
4. Establish safety measures
Safety measures could include having conversations about consent, setting up safe words, and ensuring privacy during intimate moments. Avoid alcohol, drugs, and high-risk situations where things might get out of hand. Make sure you are both aware of any triggers or flashbacks, and agree on what to do when they occur.
5. Seek professional help together
If necessary, seek professional help from a trauma specialist or couples counselor to address sexual issues after experiencing trauma. They can guide you both towards healing and helping restore trust between you. It may also involve exploring new ways to connect emotionally and physically, such as massages, baths, or simply holding hands.
6. Take it slow and focus on emotional connection
Intimacy should always be approached slowly. Start by just touching each other lightly, progressively adding more sensuality until you feel comfortable. Focus on connecting emotionally rather than just physically, and take breaks if needed. Remember that healing is a journey, and don't rush into anything before you're ready.
7. Don't assume the worst
As you work through rebuilding trust, don't let your fears dictate every aspect of your relationship. If you find yourself being too guarded or suspicious, try to step back and remember why you love this person. You have been hurt in the past, but it doesn't mean everyone will betray you again. Your partner wants to support you and show their love for you - communicate with them openly and honestly about how they can best do so.
Overall, rebuilding sexual trust takes time, patience, and effort. It won't happen overnight, and it requires commitment from both partners. However, it is possible to regain the intimate bond you once shared while protecting yourself against future harm. With compassion and understanding, you can learn to navigate this difficult process together.