What happens inside us when we desire closeness but feel emotionally or physically unavailable? This is an intriguing question that has been explored in depth by psychologists and researchers in the field of human behavior. When we experience such feelings, our brains go through a series of steps to determine how to react. These processes are complex and can be influenced by factors like past experiences, personality traits, social context, and cultural norms. In this article, I will explain what happens during these internal negotiations using examples and scientific evidence.
Step 1: Recognizing the Feeling
When we want to get closer to someone, our brain sends signals to the body, which responds in various ways.
We may feel nervous, excited, or anxious. This stage involves recognizing the desire for intimacy, as well as acknowledging the discomfort or fear associated with it. The amygdala, a part of the limbic system involved in emotional processing, receives information about the situation and triggers the release of neurotransmitters such as dopamine and oxytocin, which play a role in motivation and bonding. At the same time, the prefrontal cortex, responsible for decision-making, assesses the situation and decides whether to pursue or avoid the desired closeness. This step can take seconds or minutes, depending on the individual's previous encounters.
Step 2: Evaluating Potential Risks and Rewards
In the second step, our mind evaluates the potential risks and rewards of getting close to someone. We consider factors such as our history of relationships, our self-esteem, and societal expectations. If there is no risk involved, we might go ahead and pursue closeness.
If we perceive significant dangers, we might choose to retreat or delay action. Our hypothalamus, an area that regulates homeostasis, also plays a role here by activating stress hormones like cortisol, which can make us more aware of potential threats. During this process, the brain prioritizes survival over pleasure.
Step 3: Making Decisions and Actions
Based on these evaluations, we make decisions and actions.
We may approach the person, flirt with them, or invite them out. Alternatively, we may withdraw from the situation entirely. These choices are made through a complex interplay between different regions of the brain, including the basal ganglia (which helps us learn and remember habits) and the cerebellum (which coordinates movement). The frontal lobe, located behind the forehead, also participates in decision-making and executive functioning.
Step 4: Experiencing Pleasure and Satisfaction
If we decide to get closer to someone, our brains release dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins, which produce feelings of happiness and well-being. This stage involves bonding, attachment, and emotional connection, making us feel good about ourselves and others. Oxytocin, a neuropeptide associated with social interaction, also plays a role during this phase, promoting trust and empathy. On the other hand, if we experience rejection or disappointment, other neurotransmitters, such as glutamate and GABA, are released, leading to negative emotions like sadness or fear.
The internal negotiations that occur when someone desires closeness but feels emotionally or physically unavailable are fascinating and involve several cognitive processes. By understanding how our brains respond to intimacy, we can better navigate our relationships and find healthier ways to cope with these feelings. Further research is needed to explore the long-term effects of these mechanisms on mental health and overall well-being.
What internal negotiations occur when someone desires closeness but feels emotionally or physically unavailable?
The individual may experience conflicting thoughts and feelings as they desire closeness with others while also feeling that they are not ready for it. They might feel torn between their need for intimacy and their fear of rejection, vulnerability, or emotional exposure. They may try to convince themselves that they can only pursue closeness if they have met certain conditions or attained a specific level of personal development.