Partnering Up
Partnerships are built around reciprocity and balance. But what happens when one partner experiences trauma differently than another? This issue is known as "relational asymmetry," meaning that one partner has an imbalance in their experience or ability to cope with trauma compared to the other. Here's how these differences can affect a couple's dynamic and how they might be addressed.
Understanding Asymmetrical Responses
Relational asymmetry occurs when one partner responds differently to trauma than the other.
One partner may react with shock, numbness, or denial while the other experiences extreme distress, panic attacks, or avoidance. Or perhaps one person is able to process their pain more quickly and move on while the other is still struggling. It can also manifest in different coping styles - one partner may seek support from friends and family while the other internalizes their feelings and keeps them inside.
These responses are understandable but can create challenges in relationships if left unaddressed. The affected partner may feel abandoned or unsupported, while the unaffected partner may feel misunderstood or unable to help. If partners don't talk openly about this discrepancy, resentment can build up and damage trust.
With empathy and communication, couples can work through relational asymmetry and rebuild their bond.
Communicating About Asymmetry
The first step is to acknowledge that relational asymmetry exists between partners. Start by asking questions like:
- How do you typically handle stressful situations?
- What helps you feel supported during difficult times?
- Have there been instances where we've had different reactions to similar events?
Listen actively to your partner's answers without judgment or interruption. Validate their experience even if it differs from yours. Remember that everyone processes trauma uniquely, so try not to compare yourself too much to your partner or assume they're handling things "wrong."
Discuss how these differences impact the relationship.
You might say:
- I noticed that when we experienced a traumatic event together, we responded differently. This made me feel alone and unsure of what to do. Can we work on finding ways to support each other better?
Your partner may have helpful ideas for coping strategies that benefit both of you. Or, they may need more time to process before sharing any solutions. Either way, maintain an open mind and avoid blame or criticism. Instead, focus on collaborative problem-solving and shared goals for healing and growth.
Practicing Self-Care
Asymmetrical responses often stem from individual trauma histories or mental health issues. To build resilience, take care of yourself individually - this can help ease some of the burden in your relationship. Prioritize activities that bring you joy, connect with loved ones who offer support, and seek professional therapy if needed. You might also find it helpful to practice mindfulness exercises or engage in self-compassion practices like journaling or meditation.
Encourage your partner to practice self-care by asking them about their wellbeing and offering non-judgmental support. Avoid taking responsibility for their emotions or trying to fix everything for them. Instead, offer empathy and practical assistance where possible (e.g., helping with chores or scheduling appointments). Remember that even small gestures of kindness can go a long way toward building trust and intimacy.
Revisiting Traumas Together
While asymmetry isn't easy to navigate, it doesn't mean partnership is impossible. With patience and effort, couples can address relational imbalances and work towards greater connection and understanding. Consider revisiting past traumatic events together when both partners feel ready. This allows space for each person to express themselves fully and process their pain in a safe, loving environment.
You may discover new insights into your shared experiences or gain perspective on how your partner coped differently. But don't push too hard or force reconciliation if either party feels unready. Take things at your own pace and remember that healing takes time.
Moving Forward Together
Relational asymmetry can be challenging, but partnerships are resilient. By acknowledging differences, communicating openly, practicing self-care, and supporting each other through tough times, couples can overcome these obstacles and build stronger relationships. Remember that love is built on mutual respect, trust, and vulnerability - so keep working towards those goals even when the road gets bumpy.
How do partners manage relational asymmetry under differing trauma responses?
Partners can handle relationship inequality in different ways when one partner has experienced trauma differently than the other. One way is by focusing on understanding each other's perspectives and validating their experiences without minimizing them. It may also involve seeking professional help from counselors or therapists who can assist with communication techniques and coping strategies. Another option could be developing healthy boundaries that respect both individuals' needs for space and support while encouraging openness about feelings and reactions.