Most ethical theories aim to help individuals navigate their desires while also considering social norms and expectations.
Some utilitarian theories argue that individual choices should be based on maximizing happiness for everyone affected by them, including society as a whole. This can lead to conflicts between personal desires and social expectations when it comes to matters like sexual behavior or relationships. Other theories, such as deontology or virtue ethics, emphasize following moral rules or developing virtues like integrity and honesty, which may require people to act contrary to their own impulses or desires. These approaches provide tools for navigating difficult situations where there is tension between what an individual wants to do and what they believe is right or expected of them.
These models are limited in how they deal with complexities related to sex, eroticism, intimacy, and relationships. Many theories struggle to account for differences in culture, gender, power dynamics, and contextual factors that shape desire and expectation.
These frameworks do not always address issues like consent, pleasure, or emotional connection within sexual encounters. In this article, I will explore why and how ethical theories fall short in addressing these challenges and offer alternative approaches that better reflect the nuances of human experience.
Desire vs. Expectation
The conflict between authentic desire and societal expectation plays out in many domains of life, but nowhere is it more apparent than in our romantic and sexual lives. Many of us feel pressure from family, friends, religion, culture, or media to conform to certain behaviors or expectations about love, attraction, and intimacy. At the same time, we have private desires and fantasies that may be quite different from those norms.
Some individuals might want to pursue non-monogamy, BDSM, kink, or fetish play without feeling shame or judgment. Others might crave a wide variety of partners or experiences, while others might prefer monogamy or long-term commitment. Some people's desires center around physical pleasures, while others seek emotional connection or intellectual stimulation. When there is tension between individual desires and social expectations, people can face significant internal conflicts or external pressures. This can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, confusion, frustration, and isolation. As a result, individuals often struggle with self-esteem, relationships, mental health, and overall well-being.
Ethical Approaches
Utilitarianism suggests that an act is morally right if it promotes happiness for all involved, including society as a whole. It does not consider the complexity of desire or expectation when making moral decisions. Instead, utilitarians emphasize quantifying pleasure and pain to determine whether an action maximizes happiness.
This approach fails to account for differences in desire and expectation across cultures, genders, power dynamics, and contextual factors. In terms of sex, eroticism, or relationships, utilitarian theory has trouble dealing with issues like consent, sexuality education, pornography consumption, and cultural taboos.
Suppose two individuals are attracted to each other but come from different cultural backgrounds where their behavior would be frowned upon. Utilitarian ethics may suggest that they should go ahead with their relationship regardless of consequences because it brings them mutual pleasure. But what about the effects on family members or community? What about the impact on future relationships or reputations? These questions remain unanswered within a utilitarian framework.
Deontology focuses on rules rather than outcomes. The most prominent rule is Kant's Categorical Imperative: "Act only according to that maxim by which you can at the same time will that it should become a universal law." This means that we should always act according to our principles and never use others as mere means to an end. Deontologists argue that following moral rules leads to good character development. They recognize that some actions violate personal desires but believe that following moral laws builds virtue. Yet, deontology also struggles to deal with complexities related to sex, eroticism, intimacy, and relationships. It assumes that individuals have a consistent set of values, ignoring how external influences might affect their choices.
Many deontological theories ignore the emotional aspects of love and attraction, focusing solely on rational decision-making. This oversight creates difficulties in navigating conflicts between desire and expectation in matters such as polyamory or BDSM.
Virtue ethics emphasizes developing virtues like integrity, compassion, courage, honesty, wisdom, justice, temperance, and transcendence. These traits guide individuals toward good action and cultivate virtuous communities. Virtue ethicists highlight self-discipline, moderation, and restraint in pursuing pleasure.
They may suggest that monogamy is better for long-term relationships because it fosters commitment, trust, and loyalty.
This approach fails to consider individual preferences or cultural norms around sexual expression. It also ignores the fact that many people enjoy exploring new experiences and partners within consensual frameworks.
Virtue ethics does not address issues like consent, pleasure, or emotional connection within sexual encounters.
Alternative Approaches
An alternative approach to dealing with conflict between authentic desire and societal expectation is relational ethics. Relational ethics emphasize mutuality, respect, consent, and care when it comes to romantic and sexual relationships. It suggests that we should prioritize what's best for both parties involved, rather than focusing only on outcomes or rules. Individuals can engage in relationships based on their unique needs and desires, while still considering the impact on others. This approach recognizes that moral choices are contextual, dynamic, and fluid. Relational ethics focuses on how individuals interact with one another rather than abstract principles or quantifying pleasure. By centering relationship dynamics, relational ethics offers a way forward beyond utilitarianism, deontology, and virtue ethics. It provides tools for navigating conflicts related to sex, eroticism, intimacy, and relationships.
It requires individuals to be proactive about communication and negotiation, which may
How do ethical theories address conflicts between authentic desire and societal expectation?
Ethics can be defined as the moral principles that govern how individuals should behave towards others and themselves. Ethical theories provide guidelines for decision making and behavior based on various perspectives such as utilitarianism, deontology, virtue theory, and more. When it comes to conflicts between authentic desires and societal expectations, these theories offer different ways of resolving them.