How can lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer/questioning, intersex, agender, asexual, pansexual, nonbinary, gender fluid, genderqueer, Two Spirit, third gender, bigender, trigender, pangender, or other identities handle their romantic desires and feelings when they are deployed in combat situations away from their partners, lovers, friends, or family? Can LGBTQ+ individuals find emotional support among their fellow soldiers? How do military personnel cope with the absence of intimate relationships while fulfilling professional duties? Do they have time to establish personal connections during brief leave periods?
During deployment, people often feel lonely, isolated, depressed, angry, anxious, confused, and exhausted. For LGBTQ+ individuals who may lack social or familial support networks, these difficulties increase tenfold. The stigma around sexuality makes finding romance difficult even under ideal circumstances, but it is particularly so within the hierarchical structure of the armed forces. Military personnel must respect orders without question and obey superiors no matter what. This culture encourages silence about private lives and leaves little room for individual expression.
Some soldiers manage to overcome these obstacles by forming friendships that turn into long-term romances. Others rely on technology such as video chats, phone calls, email, and letters. Some use online dating sites like Grindr, Tinder, OkCupid, Plenty of Fish, Bumble, Hinge, Match, eHarmony, Zoosk, and OurTime. Still others meet locals at gay bars, clubs, and events in the area where they are stationed.
It can be hard for LGBTQ+ individuals to develop trust and intimacy if they feel obligated to hide their true selves. To avoid being outed, they conceal their identities from colleagues, families, friends, acquaintances, and sometimes themselves. They might pretend to be straight or cisgender (a person whose gender identity matches their assigned sex) to fit in better with peers. This leads to cognitive dissonance, feelings of shame, guilt, anxiety, loneliness, and distrust. It also creates emotional distance between them and their loved ones because they cannot reveal everything that happens in their daily life.
The military is a competitive workplace, and many people strive to present an image of success, strength, perfection, or invincibility. A soldier's performance evaluation depends on how well he/she meets expectations, follows orders, handles stressful situations, completes tasks, and demonstrates skill and loyalty. In this environment, it is difficult to express vulnerability or need without seeming weak or unprofessional.
Most soldiers have romantic partners who depend on them emotionally, financially, physically, or all three. The weight of these responsibilities causes tension and conflict between personal needs and professional duties.
The Department of Defense recognizes the importance of supporting its members by providing medical care, family services, counseling, and other resources. It has implemented policies such as allowing transgender personnel to serve openly since 2016 and extending partner benefits to same-sex couples since 2014. Still, there are no comprehensive plans for LGBTQ+ individuals to find and maintain relationships while deployed. Soldiers must develop strategies to fulfill their relational needs while honoring their military obligations. They might write love letters, send tokens, schedule video chats, arrange leave time, make friends, explore local communities, and participate in social events. These efforts can be rewarding but challenging.
LGBTQ+ personnel face unique obstacles when navigating relationships and duty during deployment. They struggle with identity concealment, emotional distance, cognitive dissonance, isolation, anxiety, loneliness, shame, guilt, distrust, and competitiveness within a hierarchical structure that prioritizes professionalism over privacy. While the DoD offers some support, it lacks policies to help people meet intimacy needs in combat zones. Therefore, individual effort is essential to reconcile relational desires with professional identity and military obligations.
How do LGBT personnel reconcile relational needs with professional identity and military obligations?
Researchers suggest that LGBTQ+ military personnel may experience conflicting pressures regarding their relational needs and military duties due to social stigma and cultural norms around sexuality and gender expression.