The phenomenon is well-known among couples who have been together for years but experience dry spells due to work or family obligations, yet it also affects people who have never had sex. In both cases, abstaining from sex often leads to an increase in desire and fantasy, which can become excessive when they finally engage in a physical relationship again. This creates an expectation that their partner will be able to live up to those ideas - which are typically unrealistic and lead to disappointment if not met.
Prior to the encounter, individuals tend to idealize their partners and imagine them having traits that may be impossible in reality. They might think about how passionate, attentive, creative, or skilled at pleasuring them the other person will be during intercourse. These expectations are usually based on experiences from earlier sexual encounters, pornography, and other sources rather than realistic scenarios. When the actual event fails to match these lofty standards, there is often a feeling of rejection and disillusionment.
This pattern can create a psychological gap between what someone desires and what they actually receive, leading to frustration and decreased satisfaction. It can make it harder to find fulfillment with future partners as they continue to compare them to previous ones.
It may cause feelings of shame, guilt, or self-doubt if one feels they are "broken" because they cannot achieve such high levels of intimacy. Individuals may even start avoiding sex altogether out of fear of failure or embarrassment.
To prevent this issue, it's essential to acknowledge our tendency towards fantasy and recognize its impact on our expectations. We must strive for balance between imagination and reality by setting reasonable goals for ourselves and our relationships. Communication is also key to ensuring everyone involved understands each other's needs and desires. By doing so, we can maintain healthy and fulfilling physical connections without getting caught up in unattainable ideals.
Why do fantasies after abstinence sometimes build expectations that real encounters cannot meet, and what psychological consequences does this gap create?
Pornography, erotic literature, and other media are often used as tools for sexual arousal during times of abstinence, such as periods of celibacy or relationship hiatuses. These experiences can build up intense fantasies about potential future partners, which may be unrealistic compared to actual interactions with people in real life. This can lead to disappointment and frustration when the imagined scenarios don't come true.