Habits of Secrecy Create Double Lives in Intimacy
Intimacy is the feeling of closeness between two people that can arise from many different aspects of relationship, such as emotional closeness, physical closeness, intellectual closeness, or spiritual closeness. When one partner has hidden parts of themselves from another, this creates an imbalance in intimacy which can lead to problems in the relationship.
Secrets are often kept out of fear of being judged, rejected, shamed, or punished.
Secrets also create barriers between partners that make it difficult to fully share oneself with them. When someone keeps something secret from their partner, they are essentially creating a second life where they hide away certain aspects of themselves. This can be anything from affairs, past relationships, addictions, mental health struggles, or even personality quirks. If these habits of secrecy continue, it can lead to distrust, resentment, and ultimately distance in the relationship.
One example of habitual secrecy is when someone hides their sexual interests or desires from their partner.
If someone enjoys BDSM but doesn't tell their partner for fear of judgment, it can create a divide between them because they may not feel comfortable discussing it openly or exploring it together. It can also create shame around their own desires and reduce confidence in communicating what they want sexually.
Another example is when someone keeps financial information from their partner. This can range from hiding debts to hiding income to trying to control finances without involving the other person. Hiding money can cause trust issues and arguments over money management.
It can erode intimacy as both parties struggle to understand each other's needs and perspectives on money.
Habits of secrecy can also include hidden relationships, such as online dating or extramarital affairs. These types of secrets can cause immense emotional pain for the partner who discovers them and leave the couple feeling betrayed and untrustworthy of each other. It can damage communication and make it difficult to move forward in the relationship.
Habits of secrecy create double lives in intimacy by preventing partners from fully sharing themselves with each other. When secrets are kept, there is an imbalance that creates distance and mistrust between partners which makes it harder to rebuild intimacy later on. If you are struggling with secrets in your relationship, consider talking to a therapist or counselor to help work through these issues.
How do habits of secrecy create double lives in intimacy?
According to researchers, habits of secrecy can lead individuals to have two separate identities that they present to different people in their lives, leading to what is often referred to as a "double life. " Secrecy can be seen as a way for individuals to protect themselves from potential rejection, shame, or other negative consequences that might arise if certain aspects of their identity were made known to others.