A friend is someone who provides emotional support, practical help, and social connection to another person. While friends may share many characteristics such as interests, values, and backgrounds, they are not necessarily romantically involved with one another. This type of platonic relationship can be very beneficial for individuals seeking companionship without the obligations that come with a romantic partner.
Some believe that there may be more to this bond than simply friendship. Queer theorists have argued that queer friendship has potential to provide an ethical model for love that goes beyond instrumental forms. This paper will explore the possibility of non-instrumental love between friends and examine its implications for queer theory.
It is important to understand what is meant by 'instrumental' love. Instrumental love involves using others as means to achieve personal ends, rather than recognizing them as ends in themselves.
A parent may see their child as an instrument towards fulfilling their own desires for family or continuing the lineage. In contrast, non-instrumental love is characterized by mutual recognition, respect, and appreciation of the other's individuality. It is based on shared values and goals, rather than manipulation for personal gain. Queer theorist Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick suggests that non-instrumental love can be found outside of traditional heteronormative relationships through friendships between queer people.
Sedgwick argues that queer friendship offers an alternative way of loving that challenges the patriarchal, capitalist structures that define modern society. By forming intimate bonds between two people who do not fit into traditional gender roles, these friendships subvert the power dynamics inherent in heterosexual pairings. Moreover, they allow for greater flexibility in terms of sexual expression and behavior, allowing individuals to experiment with different types of intimacy without fear of judgment. This opens up new possibilities for creating meaningful connections that go beyond romantic or sexual attraction.
Some argue that this type of love cannot exist purely outside of romance or sex. Psychologist Brené Brown has noted that friendship requires vulnerability and risk-taking that goes beyond platonic companionship. Without the physical component of sex or romance, there may be less trust and emotional investment in the relationship. Others suggest that queer friendship must have some level of romantic or sexual tension in order to be truly transformative.
Despite these criticisms, many find value in queer friendship as a form of ethical love. Sedgwick notes that it allows for a "more capacious understanding of what counts as 'love'." It can provide support and care for those who are marginalized by mainstream culture, allowing them to feel seen and appreciated.
It challenges societal norms around gender and sexuality, offering a new model for how we relate to one another. In doing so, it provides a foundation for more equitable relationships that prioritize individuality and mutual respect over control and manipulation.
Queer friendship offers an alternative way of loving based on mutual recognition, appreciation, and shared values. While it does not necessarily replace traditional forms of romance or sex, it has potential to provide a unique kind of non-instrumental love that transcends conventional social structures. As such, it has important implications for queer theory and our understanding of human connection.
What ethical potential lies in queer friendship as a non-instrumental form of love?
The ethical potential of queer friendship lies in its ability to provide an emotionally safe space for people who are marginalized by traditional social norms. Queer friendships can foster personal growth and self-acceptance, while also challenging dominant narratives about gender and sexuality. Through sharing experiences with peers who have similar identities and interests, individuals can gain a sense of community and belonging that is often lacking in mainstream society.