Veterans are individuals who have served in the military, typically in a combat role. Reconciliation is the process of finding common ground between two parties that have experienced conflict. Emotional availability refers to being open and responsive to another person's feelings and needs. Closeness is a sense of emotional connection between two people. In a romantic relationship, partners often seek both relational protection and emotional closeness.
Veterans may struggle to reconcile these needs due to their unique experiences in war.
The need for relational protection can come from various factors, such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), traumatic brain injury (TBI), or moral injury. Veterans with PTSD may experience flashbacks, nightmares, and hypervigilance, which make them feel constantly on edge and mistrustful of others. They may feel a need to protect themselves from harm, even if it means isolating themselves emotionally from their partner. TBI can cause cognitive impairments, including difficulties with memory, attention, and problem-solving, which can lead to misunderstandings and miscommunications with their partner. Moral injury is a form of psychological distress caused by a perceived violation of one's personal ethics or belief system, which can result in guilt, shame, and self-blame. This can make it difficult for veterans to trust themselves and others.
Partners may crave emotional closeness and intimacy, feeling lonely without their loved ones' consistent support. They may become frustrated when they don't get enough attention or when their veteran seems distant or closed off. They may feel resentful or rejected if they are consistently put on the back burner for work or hobbies that help the veteran cope with their symptoms. The lack of emotional availability can erode the relationship over time, leading to conflict and distance.
So how do veterans reconcile these conflicting needs? One solution is open communication. Veterans can talk honestly about their fears and struggles with their partners and ask for understanding and support. Partners can learn more about PTSD, TBI, and moral injury and recognize that their veteran may be coping with trauma that goes beyond their control. They can offer empathy, patience, and practical solutions, such as helping with chores or arranging therapy appointments. By working together to understand each other's needs and limitations, couples can build a stronger bond and develop new ways to connect emotionally.
Another approach is to focus on nonverbal forms of connection, such as physical touch, shared activities, or mutual interests. Physical touch can provide comfort and security, even if verbal communication is limited. Sharing activities, like cooking dinner or watching movies, can create a sense of intimacy and togetherness. Finding common ground in hobbies, such as gardening or sports, can provide a shared experience without requiring too much emotional investment. This approach requires creativity and effort, but it can help bridge the gap between relational protection and closeness.
Finding balance between relational protection and emotional closeness is challenging for any couple, but especially for those whose lives have been affected by war.
Open communication, nonverbal connections, and flexibility can help veterans and partners find ways to meet each other's needs while honoring their individual experiences. With time and effort, they can grow closer and create a strong relationship built on trust, respect, and love.
How do veterans reconcile the need for relational protection with the partner's need for consistent emotional availability and closeness?
The need for relational protection may be rooted in trauma and other negative experiences that the veteran has undergone during their time of service, which can make it difficult for them to fully trust others and open up emotionally. On the other hand, a partner's need for consistency and closeness is often based on a desire for security and intimacy within the relationship. It is possible for these needs to coexist but requires mutual understanding and compromise from both parties involved.