When people have thoughts, feelings, beliefs, or behaviors that go against their personal values, social norms, or religious teachings, they may feel ashamed. They may try to suppress those ideas or actions, but they still can come up again. This is called "shame." It comes from the Latin word "pudere," which means "to be naked." Shame is like a cloth wrapped around you. It covers your whole body and makes you feel exposed, helpless, and vulnerable. How do individuals regulate shame?
One way to deal with shame is to avoid it. People may hide or deny what causes them shame.
Someone who wants to pursue an erotic interest outside their marriage might keep this secret from their spouse. Another person might repress desires for sexual pleasure without a partner by distracting themselves with work or socializing. But these strategies don't always work because shame is hard to control and can cause more problems than relief.
Another method is to accept the feelings of shame and let them pass through. Someone in conflict between their own needs and cultural norms may realize that their values are changing.
They may stop fighting with themselves about their feelings and embrace a new sense of identity. This takes patience and self-awareness. You must observe your feelings honestly, sit with discomfort, and learn how to integrate conflicting thoughts into a harmonious picture of yourself.
A third approach is to change the source of shame. If you feel bad because society doesn't approve of something, you could challenge the culture.
You could advocate for legal changes or social movements to make your idea socially acceptable. Or you could seek out people who share similar interests and connect with them online. In either case, it helps if you are confident in your beliefs and ready to defend them against criticism.
Shame comes up often in relationships. Partners may judge each other based on physical appearance, sexual practices, or personality traits. Shaming can damage trust, intimacy, and respect. Couples need to discuss taboo topics without fear of judgment and develop a shared vision of what's important. They should talk openly about past experiences, present feelings, and future hopes. With this mindset, partners can build a solid bond that allows them both to be vulnerable and authentic.
How do individuals regulate shame associated with desires that conflict with personal values, cultural norms, or past teachings?
Individuals can cope with conflicting desires by exploring their values, attitudes, beliefs, and experiences related to those feelings of shame. They may also seek support from family members, friends, counselors, or other trusted individuals who can provide guidance and understanding.