The concept of chosen family is becoming increasingly popular among queer individuals who feel disconnected from their biological relatives. This phenomenon challenges traditional notions of kinship, relational ethics, and social belonging in important ways that hold broader societal significance. In this article, I will explore how chosen families in queer communities redefine these concepts and offer valuable insights into human relationships more generally.
Traditionally, kinship has been defined by blood ties and shared cultural heritage.
Many queer people experience rejection, marginalization, and even violence from their biological families because of their identities. As a result, they turn to chosen families, which are groups of friends, lovers, mentors, and allies who provide emotional support and a sense of community. These connections are based on mutual respect, trust, and commitment rather than genetic ties. They often involve long-term bonds, as members may live together or attend events such as birthdays and holidays together for years.
Chosen families challenge traditional notions of relational ethics by prioritizing reciprocity and mutuality. Rather than depending on unconditional love and loyalty, they create explicit agreements about what each member expects from others and what they can expect in return.
Chosen family members may discuss financial obligations, household responsibilities, and conflict resolution before moving in together. They also hold one another accountable for harmful behavior through open communication and active repair work.
Traditional kinship structures emphasize hierarchy and paternalism, with parents and other older relatives exerting authority over younger ones. Chosen families, however, prioritize equality and autonomy, allowing members to make decisions for themselves without interference from others. This fosters greater individual agency and empowerment, particularly among women and nonbinary individuals who face oppression in heteronormative patriarchal cultures.
Chosen families challenge social belonging by creating new forms of affiliation that recognize diverse identities and experiences. Traditional societies tend to privilege certain groups (e.g., white, cisgender, Christian) and marginalize others (e.g., people of color, LGBTQ+). In contrast, queer communities celebrate diversity, valuing differences in race, gender, sexual orientation, ability, and other factors. This creates a more inclusive culture where everyone is welcome and valued, regardless of background or identity.
The rise of chosen families in queer communities highlights the importance of relationships beyond biological ties. By redefining kinship, relational ethics, and social belonging, these connections offer valuable lessons on how to build meaningful bonds based on mutual respect, reciprocity, and shared values.
How do chosen families in queer communities challenge traditional notions of kinship, relational ethics, and social belonging, and what broader lessons can be drawn for society?
"The concept of "chosen family" is commonly used among LGBTQIA+ individuals as an alternative to conventional familial structures that may be unsupportive or even hostile toward them due to their identity or orientation," writes scholar Michael R. Kimmel in his book The Gendered Society (2019).