The idea that traumatic events can affect one's ability to form and sustain healthy romantic relationships is well documented.
The efforts that individuals make to preserve normalcy within their relationships following such experiences may actually contribute to unhealthy behaviors and limit the extent to which they are able to express themselves authentically. Specifically, when partners engage in "acting out" rather than communicating honestly about their feelings, needs, and desires, this can create tension and distance between them, making it difficult for both parties to maintain emotional and sexual authenticity. This phenomenon is particularly common among survivors of abuse or assault, who may feel pressure to act like everything is fine even though they are still dealing with the aftermath of their experience. As a result, they may find themselves struggling to be fully present in intimate moments, which can lead to feelings of guilt and shame, as well as difficulties navigating sex and other relationship dynamics.
Then, working through these issues requires open communication and support from both partners, as well as acknowledgement that the impacts of trauma extend beyond just one person in the relationship.
1: How Trauma Can Impact Relationships
Traumatic events, including but not limited to physical and/or sexual violence, can have a significant impact on an individual's mental health and overall functioning. Survivors often experience symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), including intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, avoidance behavior, hypervigilance, and hyperarousal. These symptoms can interfere with daily activities, including work, school, socializing, and relationships.
Individuals with PTSD may struggle to trust others, feel isolated and alone, and become easily overwhelmed by small things. In addition, their sense of safety and security may be permanently altered, leading them to view the world as dangerous and unpredictable. These factors can make it challenging to form and sustain close bonds, let alone engage in healthy romantic or sexual relationships. Moreover, survivors may carry shame about their experiences or fear rejection if they disclose what happened to them. This can create pressure to put on a brave face and act "normal," even when they are still dealing with the aftermath of their trauma.
2: The Pressure to Maintain Normalcy
In order to maintain normalcy within their relationships, many survivors will attempt to hide their true feelings and needs from their partners. They may pretend that everything is fine when it isn't, refusing to share their struggles or ask for help. This can create tension and distance between them and their partner, making it difficult to connect emotionally or sexually. It also prevents both parties from truly understanding each other, which is essential for building strong and supportive connections.
This pattern can lead to resentment, frustration, and disconnection, making it harder to overcome the impacts of trauma together.
Survivors who avoid talking about their experience may feel guilt and shame for not being able to fully open up to their partner, exacerbating existing emotional distress.
3: The Role of Authenticity
Authenticity is crucial for healthy relationships. When partners communicate honestly and openly about their thoughts, feelings, and desires, they build trust and intimacy. This allows them to navigate challenges and support one another through difficult times.
Individuals who are struggling with the impacts of trauma may find it hard to be authentic, particularly if they have been taught that it's safer to keep things bottled up.
Someone who has experienced sexual assault may struggle to express themselves sexually without feeling guilty or ashamed. Similarly, a person who has been abused may fear rejection or disapproval if they share how they really feel about their relationship. As a result, they may engage in "acting out," doing things they don't actually want to do in order to maintain normalcy within the relationship.
The efforts to maintain a "normal" relationship dynamic after trauma create pressure that interferes with sexual and emotional authenticity. Survivors of abuse or assault may struggle to be fully present in intimate moments, leading to difficulties navigating sex and other relationship dynamics. To address this, both partners need to communicate openly and work together to understand each other's needs. They also need to acknowledge that the impacts of trauma extend beyond just one person in the relationship, so that everyone can heal and grow together.
How does the effort to maintain a “normal” relationship dynamic after trauma create pressure that interferes with sexual or emotional authenticity?
Many people experience difficulties when it comes to establishing a genuine connection with others after a traumatic event. This is because they are often forced to navigate their new reality while trying to uphold expectations of what a "normal" relationship looks like. This can be incredibly stressful and may lead them to feel as if they are not being true to themselves emotionally or sexually.