Desire for Control During Intimacy
How does desire for control during intimacy reflect deeper existential anxieties, and can surrender be experienced as liberation? In this article, I will discuss how the need to exert control during physical intimacy may stem from broader fears about losing one's identity, and whether ceding power to another person could lead to greater freedom and self-awareness.
Desire for Control
The desire for control is common during any type of intimate encounter, but it becomes more prevalent when the act involves penetrative sex. This is because the act often requires physical movement, which can feel vulnerable and uncertain without a sense of agency. As such, many people seek to maintain some degree of control, even if they are submissive in other aspects of their sexual relationship. They might set boundaries around what kinds of touching and positions are acceptable, or demand certain behaviors before engaging in intercourse.
A partner who enjoys being choked might ask that the practice only occur within strict parameters.
Existential Anxiety
While the desire for control appears rational, it actually stems from much deeper concerns. When we give up control to another person, we open ourselves up to the possibility of emotional or physical pain. This can cause anxiety, especially if we have had negative experiences with previous partners. We may worry that we won't be able to protect ourselves, or that our needs won't be met. The result is a desire to maintain control over every aspect of the interaction, from start to finish.
This can prevent us from fully experiencing the intimacy and passion that comes with surrendering to another person.
Liberation through Surrender
Surrendering control does not necessarily mean giving up all personal preferences. Rather, it means allowing oneself to become fully present in the moment, trusting that one's partner will take care of them. This can lead to greater freedom and self-awareness, as well as a deeper connection between partners. It also allows for exploration and experimentation, since both parties no longer feel obligated to adhere to rigid rules.
Letting go of control during intimacy can be liberating, as long as it is done consensually and with safety in mind.
How does desire for control during intimacy reflect deeper existential anxieties, and can surrender be experienced as liberation?
Desire for control during intimacy is often seen as a manifestation of underlying fear or anxiety about one's own vulnerability, powerlessness, and lack of agency. This may stem from personal or cultural experiences that have left individuals feeling marginalized, silenced, or oppressed.