The relationship between a couple is built upon mutual understanding, trust, love, compassion, respect, communication, and compromise. When one partner has a hard time reading the emotional needs of their spouse, it can create tension and lead to misunderstandings that may eventually break up the relationship. Military training emphasizes precision and efficiency, but when a veteran applies those traits in a romantic context, it can cause problems. In this essay, I will explore how military problem-solving affects emotional attunement in a relationship and what happens when a veteran interprets their partner's requests through the lens of military logic rather than relational attunement.
What is Emotional Attunement?
Emotional attunement refers to the ability to understand and respond appropriately to another person's feelings, particularly in an intimate relationship. It involves recognizing and interpreting nonverbal cues such as facial expressions, tone of voice, body language, and gestures.
If a woman says, "I had a bad day," her husband should be able to read between the lines and sense her frustration without her having to elaborate further. It also means being empathetic towards your partner's emotions and validating them by acknowledging their experience. When both partners are emotionally attuned to each other, they form a safe space where they feel heard, understood, and loved.
How Does Emotional Attunement Affect Relationships?
When one or both partners lack emotional attunement skills, it can lead to misunderstandings and conflict. It could mean that one partner feels unheard and invalidated, while the other feels confused or rejected. A lack of emotional attunement can create distance between partners, leading to resentment, anger, and mistrust. On the other hand, emotional attunement promotes closeness, trust, and intimacy. Couples who are skilled at reading each other's emotions tend to have better communication, less conflict, and more satisfying relationships.
Military Problem-Solving vs. Emotional Attunement
Military training teaches problem-solving skills like analysis, objectivity, prioritization, efficiency, and teamwork. These traits help soldiers solve complex problems under pressure, but when applied in a romantic relationship, they may not produce positive results.
A soldier might focus on fixing the problem rather than understanding why their partner is upset, causing them to miss crucial nonverbal cues. They may use military jargon instead of relational language, which makes it difficult for the civilian partner to understand what they are trying to communicate. This dynamic creates a distance between partners, making it challenging for them to connect emotionally.
When a Veteran Interprets Requests Through a Lens of Military Logic
A veteran may interpret their partner's requests through the lens of military logic, focusing on solving problems rather than understanding their feelings. They might think, "What is the best way to fix this?" instead of asking themselves, "How does my partner feel about this?" In some cases, military spouses may become frustrated by their partner's seemingly robotic or unfeeling response to their needs. The result is an escalation of resentment, leading to further misunderstandings and distance.
Emotional attunement is essential for healthy relationships. A lack of emotional awareness can lead to miscommunication, conflict, and a sense of disconnection between partners. Military training emphasizes problem-solving and efficiency, which can affect a veteran's ability to read their partner's emotions. Couples who struggle with emotional attunement need to work together to develop better communication skills that promote intimacy and closeness. By acknowledging each other's emotions, validating their experiences, and prioritizing relationship-building activities, couples can bridge the gap created by a lack of emotional attunement.
What happens when a veteran interprets their partner's emotional requests through the lens of military problem-solving rather than relational attunement?
It can lead to misunderstandings between partners and difficulty understanding each other's needs and perspectives. The veteran may struggle to identify nonverbal cues, leading to misinterpretations and potential conflicts within the relationship. This can also create tension and distance in the relationship as the veteran struggles to adjust to civilian life and navigate new social norms.