The societal norms surrounding sexual expression have evolved dramatically throughout history. From ancient times until recently, people were expected to follow rigid social codes that regulated their sexual behavior, often dictating who could marry whom, when they should consummate their marriage, and even how many children they could produce. While these strictures are no longer widely accepted, the idea that there is such thing as appropriate or desirable levels of sexual confidence remains deeply ingrained in contemporary culture. It has become almost unquestionably more acceptable for individuals to exhibit confidence in their ability to engage in sexual activities than to express uncertainty about them. This phenomenon raises several interesting questions about the role of sexuality in society, its relationship to power dynamics, and what this means for personal development.
I will examine some of the reasons why it is generally considered more socially acceptable for individuals to project sexual confidence rather than express uncertainty. First, I will look at the ways in which sex itself is viewed in contemporary culture, particularly through the lens of gender roles. Second, I will explore how sexual confidence relates to perceptions of attractiveness and desirability, both within romantic relationships and beyond them.
I will consider how these factors may influence personal development and emotional well-being, especially among women and other traditionally marginalized groups.
Sexual Confidence in Society
Throughout most of human history, religion and cultural belief systems have shaped attitudes toward sex. In many cultures, religious institutions sought to control sexual activity by promoting certain behaviors while condemning others. These rules varied from place to place and time period to time period, but they were always heavily influenced by social norms regarding gender, class, and race. Today, however, we live in a post-religious age where people can exercise greater individual choice when it comes to sexual expression. While there are still laws regulating certain aspects of sexual behavior (such as consent), many Western nations have adopted a laissez-faire attitude towards who has sex with whom, when, and where. As such, sexual exploration has become an increasingly important part of contemporary life, and those who engage in it are seen as confident, experienced, and even empowered. This has led to new standards for what constitutes appropriate or desirable sexuality, ones that favor those who are bold enough to push boundaries and experiment.
Young adults today tend to be more open about their sexual preferences than previous generations. They are more likely to identify as LGBTQIA+ and to seek out non-traditional partnerships like polyamory, kink/BDSM, swinging, and fetishism. They also expect more honesty and communication around sex, both between themselves and their partners. In this environment, projecting confidence is key because it signals that you know what you want, how to get it, and that you're comfortable talking about it. Those who express uncertainty, on the other hand, may be viewed as prudish or uptight, which can make them less attractive to potential partners.
In addition to being perceived as more appealing, individuals who exhibit sexual confidence are often portrayed in media as more powerful or successful.
They may be depicted as more assertive at work, earning promotions or starting businesses rather than working for others. Similarly, they may be shown enjoying more romantic success by dating or marrying people outside their socioeconomic class. These images suggest that confidence is a marker of status, making it seem like something to aspire to and maintain once achieved. As such, people may feel pressure to present themselves in ways that reinforce these ideas, even if they don't necessarily feel confident inside. This creates a vicious cycle wherein sexual confidence becomes conflated with social capital, leading many to adopt behaviors they don't actually believe in order to appear desirable.
Perceptions of Attractiveness and Desirability
Another factor contributing to the preference for sexual confidence over uncertainty is how it relates to perceptions of attractiveness and desirability. People tend to find those who are self-assured more physically alluring, since they see them as strong and capable. This bias is evident in studies showing that men and women alike rate high-status individuals higher on physical traits like height, muscularity, and facial symmetry (Cosentino & Meston, 2016). It also extends beyond physical appearance to personality traits like ambition, dominance, and risk-taking (Buss & Schmitt, 1993; Li et al., 2008). In other words, we are drawn to individuals who can take what they want because we associate this trait with strength and power.
This dynamic plays out within romantic relationships too, where partners often seek out dominant or assertive personalities that can take charge and initiate intimacy. They want someone who can make them feel wanted and desired, not just comfortable and loved. Thus, expressing uncertainty about one's sexual preferences or abilities may be seen as an attempt to control the relationship or keep one's partner at arm's length. When done intentionally, such behavior can be perceived as manipulative or even passive-aggressive, which could damage the bond between two people. On the other hand, demonstrating sexual confidence shows that you know what you want and aren't afraid to ask for it, making you a better match for some partners than others.
There are exceptions to these patterns, particularly among traditionally marginalized groups who have been socialized to suppress their desires and needs.
Women in patriarchal societies may be expected to exhibit modesty and deference when it comes to sex, lest they be labelled as slutty or promiscuous. As such, many are conditioned to feel ashamed of their bodies and desires, leading them to repress their own wants and needs rather than pursue them confidently. This phenomenon is particularly true of queer individuals who may face discrimination based on their identities, whether due to race, gender, class, religion, age, or disability (Brown & Rhoads, 2016). By silencing themselves in this way, they miss out on opportunities for pleasure and fulfillment, potentially contributing to poor mental health outcomes like anxiety
Why is it more socially acceptable to project sexual confidence than to express uncertainty?
Sexual confidence has been traditionally associated with masculinity and success in dating and relationships. In contrast, uncertainty about one's sexual desires, needs, and abilities have been perceived as feminine traits that are not valued by society at large. This stereotype stems from the socialization of women to be submissive and modest while men are expected to take on leadership roles in all areas of their lives, including sexually.