When someone hurts you, it is natural to feel anger, sadness, betrayal, or resentment. In fact, these feelings are so common that they have been given their own names: "catharsis" or "healing."
After feeling those initial emotions, many people find themselves stuck in an unproductive cycle of bitterness and blame, where they hold onto hurtful memories like a sword. This can make them unable to move forward in their lives and enjoy healthy relationships. Relational forgiveness, which involves letting go of hurt and grudges, is a way out of this cycle. It allows people to maintain healthy relationships while avoiding unnecessary conflict. But how does relational forgiveness work? What mechanisms allow for it?
The first mechanism that allows for relational forgiveness is empathy. Empathy refers to the ability to understand another person's perspective and see things from their point of view. When we empathize with someone, we put ourselves in their shoes and try to imagine what they were thinking and feeling when they acted hurtfully. This helps us realize that no one is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes. It also helps us realize that sometimes, people act hurtfully without even realizing it. By empathizing with others, we can let go of our desire to seek revenge or punish them for their actions.
The second mechanism that allows for relational forgiveness is compassion. Compassion means having pity or sympathy for someone who has suffered or made a mistake. When we show compassion towards someone who has wronged us, we recognize that they may be suffering as well. We might feel sorry for them and want to help them heal rather than continue hurting them. Compassion also encourages us to see the bigger picture: why someone acted hurtfully, what factors led up to their action, and what consequences they are experiencing now. Compassionate people are more likely to forgive because they see beyond the immediate offense and into the humanity of the other person.
A third mechanism that allows for relational forgiveness is acceptance. Acceptance involves recognizing that some things cannot be changed. In other words, you must accept that your relationship is not perfect and that there will always be challenges. When we accept this reality, we stop trying to change our partners and start focusing on how to improve the relationship together. This allows us to let go of resentment, anger, and bitterness over past transgressions and work together to create a better future.
Honesty and communication are important mechanisms for relational forgiveness. Honest communication involves speaking candidly about how we feel without blaming or attacking the other person. It lets us express our hurt and pain in a way that allows for understanding and resolution.
It helps us understand the other person's perspective and find common ground where we can build a stronger connection. Communication is crucial for resolving conflicts and building trust.
Self-compassion is essential for relational forgiveness. Self-compassion means being kind to ourselves when we make mistakes or act hurtfully towards others. By treating ourselves with compassion, we can learn from our mistakes and avoid repeating them. We also become more tolerant and patient with others as we recognize that everyone makes mistakes.
Relational forgiveness requires empathy, compassion, acceptance, honest communication, and self-compassion. These mechanisms allow people to move forward after hurts and betrayals and maintain healthy relationships despite setbacks. By learning to practice these skills, we can heal old wounds and build stronger bonds than ever before.