Responding to Discrepancy Between Ideal and Relational Sexual Selves
Individuals have different sexual desires and needs that may vary from time to time due to various factors such as age, gender, culture, education, and socialization. These differences can create a discrepancy between an individual's ideal sexual self and their relational sexual self, which is what they perceive as acceptable behavior in a relationship. This discrepancy can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, anxiety, and confusion, making it difficult for individuals to express themselves freely and openly.
We will explore how individuals respond to the discrepancies between their ideal and relational sexual selves, including the possible strategies they adopt to manage these feelings and the impact on their relationships. We will also discuss the potential benefits and drawbacks of accepting and exploring one's relational sexual self while maintaining healthy boundaries in intimate relationships.
Sexuality is a fundamental aspect of human nature that encompasses physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual components. It is influenced by biology, genetics, environment, and personal experiences, leading to varied patterns of expression across cultures and genders. Individuals develop their sexual selves through interactions with society, family, peers, media, religion, and other influences. They learn about sex education and form beliefs about what is normal or acceptable based on societal norms and values.
Some people may feel pressure to conform to certain expectations regarding sexual behavior, such as monogamy or abstinence, while others may struggle with desires that contradict those standards. The discrepancy between ideal and relational sexual selves arises when there is a gap between an individual's fantasies and real-life experiences, leading to conflicts and challenges.
Strategies for Managing Discrepancy
Individuals may adopt various strategies to cope with the discrepancy between their ideal and relational sexual selves, depending on their circumstances and personal preferences. Some common strategies include:
1. Denial: Ignoring or suppressing thoughts, feelings, and behaviors related to sexual desire to avoid conflict or judgment.
2. Repression: Suppressing urges through self-control or external factors like medication, therapy, or religion.
3. Self-improvement: Seeking professional help, changing habits, exploring new interests, or improving communication skills to address underlying issues.
4. Exploration: Engaging in safe and consensual activities outside of the relationship to explore new possibilities and satisfy unmet needs.
5. Compromise: Negotiating boundaries, limits, and expectations within the relationship to find balance and satisfaction.
6. Acceptance: Embracing differences and exploring alternative expressions of sexuality without compromising personal values or relationships.
7. Separation: Ending a relationship if it cannot accommodate conflicting sexual desires or needs.
8. Avoidance: Withdrawing from intimate encounters or social situations to minimize exposure to triggers or temptations.
9. Deflection: Shifting blame or responsibility onto others for causing sexual tension or dissatisfaction.
10. Escape: Distracting oneself from unwanted thoughts or feelings by engaging in other activities.
Impact on Relationships
The discrepancy between an individual's ideal and relational sexual selves can impact their relationships in various ways. It may cause misunderstandings, hurt feelings, resentment, betrayal, infidelity, or even divorce. When partners do not share similar attitudes towards sex, it can lead to conflict and friction, affecting trust, intimacy, and overall happiness.
Some couples can use the discrepancy as a starting point for open communication and negotiation, leading to greater understanding, empathy, and mutual respect. By acknowledging each other's unique perspectives and finding common ground, they can build stronger bonds and explore new possibilities together.
Acceptance and Boundaries
Accepting one's relational sexual self while maintaining healthy boundaries is crucial for emotional and physical well-being. This means recognizing and embracing differences without compromising personal values or damaging relationships. Individuals should strive to be honest with themselves and others about what they want and need while respecting others' preferences and limits. They must also set clear guidelines for behavior and communication to avoid confusion or harm.
A couple may agree that occasional experimentation or exploration outside of the relationship is acceptable but define specific rules around privacy, safety, and consent. They can also practice active listening, honesty, and compassion when discussing sensitive topics to build trust and strengthen their connection.
The discrepancy between ideal and relational sexual selves is a natural aspect of human experience, and individuals must learn how to manage it effectively. By adopting healthy strategies, communicating openly, and setting appropriate boundaries, they can find balance and satisfaction in their relationships. With time and effort, this discrepancy can become an opportunity for growth and intimacy rather than a source of conflict or resentment.
How do individuals respond to discrepancies between their ideal sexual selves and their relational sexual selves?
Research indicates that individuals typically react to discrepancies between their ideal sexual selves and their relational sexual selves with feelings of frustration, shame, and guilt. These feelings are often due to internalizing societal messages about sex and love that may be contradictory or confusing, as well as experiencing pressure to conform to gendered norms around sexuality.