Sexual behavior can be a mysterious thing, full of nuance, complexity, and hidden layers that are often difficult to understand even for those involved in it. While it is often thought that the key to maintaining a healthy and satisfying sexual relationship lies in open communication between partners, there is also an element of unspoken agreement that governs many aspects of sexual dynamics between couples. These unconscious contracts, as they are known, are agreements made without ever being explicitly stated out loud but still have a powerful effect on how people interact sexually. In this article, we will explore some common examples of these contracts and what they mean for your relationships.
One example of an unconscious contract that may keep couples stuck in repetitive, unfulfilling sexual cycles is what psychologist Esther Perel calls "the rules of engagement." This refers to the implicit expectations each partner has about their role in the bedroom, including who initiates sex, how often they should do so, and what types of activities are acceptable or off limits.
One person may assume that it's always up to them to start things off while the other feels more comfortable waiting until invited, leading to frustration and disappointment on both sides. Without consciously acknowledging and discussing these different assumptions, couples may continue to experience sexual dissatisfaction.
Another potential source of tension in sexual relationships is differences in libido levels. One partner may feel like they need to perform more than the other, which can create pressure and resentment over time. Again, this can be addressed by openly talking about what each person wants and needs from their sexual encounters rather than assuming that the other should know automatically. By setting clear boundaries around when and where sex takes place, as well as what kind of intimacy each partner desires, couples can avoid feelings of frustration and rejection.
There may also be unspoken agreements regarding what constitutes good or bad behavior during sex. Some partners may view certain acts as taboo while others find them arousing, creating a sense of shame or embarrassment that prevents them from expressing themselves fully. These beliefs may have been formed early in life or learned through cultural norms but could be preventing individuals from truly exploring all aspects of their sexuality with their partners. Overcoming such barriers requires communication, self-reflection, and mutual understanding between partners.
Recognizing and addressing the hidden contracts governing your sexual relationship can help you break free from the cycle of repetition and unfulfillment. Open dialogue about expectations, intentions, and preferences is essential for establishing healthy sexual dynamics between two people, allowing them to explore new horizons and deepen their connection in meaningful ways.
What unconscious contracts keep couples stuck in repetitive, unfulfilling sexual cycles?
In her book The Science of Desire, author and neuroscientist Meredith Chivers proposes that unconscious contracts between partners may be at play when it comes to creating unfulfilling sexual routines. According to Chivers, these agreements can create "loops" in which both partners feel obligated to fulfil certain expectations in bed but never truly connect emotionally.