Sexual secrecy is one way that people can protect their privacy from unwanted attention or judgement. It may be used as a tool to shield oneself from embarrassment or humiliation, fear of rejection, social stigma, etc.
If it persists for too long without openness and communication between partners, the secrecy itself may become an obstacle to emotional closeness and trust. Here are some ways this might happen:
1. Secrecy creates distance and suspicion: If one person has a secret about their sexual desires, activities, or experiences, it may feel like they're hiding something. The partner might assume there's more going on than meets the eye. This leads to mistrust, especially when unspoken expectations go unfulfilled.
If a woman keeps her partner in the dark about masturbating, he could get upset and feel rejected. Or if she fantasizes about other men while having sex with him, he could suspect infidelity.
2. Secrecy creates tension and distraction: When two people have different levels of disclosure, it can lead to friction. One partner might feel pressured to share more, but the other might clam up even more. Intense moments of intimacy may turn into arguments instead of connection. Even if both want to communicate better, the secrets themselves can create barriers. They keep coming back to mind and hinder honest discussion.
3. Secrecy breeds resentment and anger:
Secrets can fester and grow. Without airing them out, resentments build and feelings of betrayal set in. If one partner is keeping a secret, the other might wonder what else is hidden. Maybe a past lover, a fantasy that won't go away, an online profile, or an addiction. This can be very damaging over time as resentment builds up and trust evaporates.
4. Secrecy destroys openness and vulnerability: True intimacy requires honesty and transparency. It means being fully present with each other emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. But secrecy keeps people from opening up and connecting on a deep level. As this gap widens, they become less comfortable sharing their thoughts and emotions. The relationship starts to lose its heart.
5. Secrecy erodes confidence and self-worth: A lack of trust in oneself or one's partner can make it difficult to express needs and desires freely. It leads to doubt about whether we are good enough or worthy of love. We start to second guess ourselves and withdraw emotionally. This can lead to fear, anxiety, and isolation - which no one wants in a relationship!
So while sexual secrecy may seem like a way to protect oneself, it can have unexpected consequences. Gradual, incremental disclosure is key for maintaining healthy relationships. By talking openly and honestly about our desires, wishes, fears, and expectations, we can build a strong foundation of mutual understanding and respect.
How might sexual secrecy gradually erode emotional trust, even when intentions were protective rather than deceptive?
Research suggests that sexual secrets can erode trust because they violate an important social norm and threaten intimacy, leading to feelings of betrayal and distrust. Even when such secrecy is motivated by positive intentions, it may be perceived as a lack of openness and honesty, which can undermine trust over time. The gradual erosion of trust may result from the cumulative effect of repeated instances of withholding information or hiding behavior.