1. The Journey Matters More Than the Total
It seems like every time I talk to someone new about my experience in the kink world, they always want to talk about the numbers. "How many people are you in your party? What kind of scenes do you play? How often do you practice?" They want to know what kinds of physical things we've done together, how far we've gone into the realm of edge play, and who we're dating/married to. And while there is absolutely nothing wrong with any of these questions, they miss the point completely. BDSM isn't just about totals—it's about so much more than that. It's about intimacy, ethical evolution, curiosity, trust, and mutual growth. Every scene, check-in, and ritual is part of an ongoing journey—not a checklist to complete.
2. The Numbers Don't Matter
One of the most important parts of BDSM is the trust and vulnerability between partners. This can be difficult to achieve if everything is focused on the number of tics or techniques used rather than the emotional connection between them. A scene or relationship built solely on the number of times certain actions have been performed won't last long because it lacks depth and substance. Instead, focus on building a strong bond based on trust and communication. This means taking the time to get to know each other, discuss boundaries and desires, and create meaningful experiences together.
3. Intimacy Matters
BDSM is about intimacy—it's about getting to know someone deeply and exploring their body and mind in new ways. While some people may think it's all about sex, the truth is, intimacy goes beyond that. Intimacy involves sharing secrets, being emotionally available, and learning what makes your partner tick. It means being willing to push yourself outside of your comfort zone for the sake of your partner's pleasure and discovering new things about yourself along the way. By focusing on this aspect, you'll find yourself enjoying deeper connections with those around you while also having more fulfilling relationships.
4. Ethical Evolution
Another key component of BDSM is ethical evolution—the idea that both parties are constantly growing and evolving together as they explore their sexuality. This means experimenting with different types of play, trying out new things, and pushing each other to new limits. But it also means making sure everyone involved feels safe and respected at all times. It's important to set clear boundaries and expectations before engaging in any type of play so that no one gets hurt or taken advantage of. When done right, this can lead to incredibly fulfilling and transformative experiences for everyone involved.
5. Curiosity Is Key
Finally, curiosity is essential in any healthy kink relationship or scene. If you aren't curious about your partner or what turns them on, then how can you possibly give them the kind of pleasure they crave? Curiosity leads to discovery, which leads to growth, which leads to better connections with others. So don't be afraid to ask questions, try new things, and push your own limits to see where they take you. The journey itself is just as rewarding as reaching certain goals or milestones along the way.
In conclusion, BDSM isn't about totals—it's about intimacy, ethical evolution, curiosity, trust, and mutual growth. Every scene, check-in, and ritual is part of an ongoing journey—not a checklist to complete. By focusing on these elements instead of simply ticking off boxes on a list of activities, you'll find yourself enjoying deeper connections with those around you while also having more fulfilling relationships.