Long-term partners who have lost their sexual spark can reignite it through understanding how their brains have changed over time. Physiologically, they are more resistant to dopamine, adrenaline, oxytocin, and testosterone than when they were young. These hormones affect attraction, excitement, bonding, trust, relaxation, focus, communication, and pleasure. They also produce feelings of belonging, comfort, closeness, love, safety, hope, confidence, security, desire, and joy. When these hormones decrease, couples must consciously create the same effects. This requires awareness, effort, planning, and practice. The following steps may help.
Step 1: Recognize the problem and commit to change. Both partners should discuss what has been missing and why. They may need professional counseling to explore individual and shared issues that block intimacy. Talk openly about past experiences, desires, needs, fantasies, fears, expectations, goals, and preferences. Agree on changes needed to strengthen trust, respect, affection, connection, honesty, and mutual support.
Step 2: Initiate new practices regularly. Schedule a daily hug or kiss. Plan weekend activities together. Share meals, laughter, exercise, reading, music, movies, walks, or hobbies. Create rituals for touching, cuddling, caressing, holding hands, whispering, stroking, massaging, kissing, or intercourse. Experiment with new positions, lingerie, props, role-play, costumes, games, locations, languages, or technology. Discuss boundaries, body parts, sensations, emotions, intensity, or duration.
Step 3: Identify obstacles and overcome them. Fears can include rejection, embarrassment, anger, shame, boredom, disappointment, frustration, guilt, hurt, insecurity, exhaustion, impatience, or lack of time. Partners should accept each other's differences and communicate without blame, criticism, or judgement. Avoid alcohol, drugs, food, or workaholism. Practice non-verbal communication through eye contact, hand gestures, facial expressions, or physical movements. Try relaxation techniques like meditation, yoga, or breathing exercises. Seek outside help if necessary.
What emotional and cognitive shifts allow long-term couples to revive erotic intimacy after extended periods of stagnation?
Couples who have been together for an extended period often experience decreased levels of sexual intimacy due to various factors such as stress, routines, boredom, lack of communication, and personal issues (Kremen & Schmitt, 2014).