This article explores how non-sexual relational traumas can influence our sexual lives, and specifically how they may impact our ability to find fulfillment and pleasure in romantic partnerships.
We all have experiences that shape who we are and how we relate to others. These include positive and negative experiences - from our childhood through adulthood - which make up our personal histories. Some of these life events involve romance and sexuality; others do not.
Even if they don't explicitly concern our physical relationships, they may still affect them. It is important to consider how past experiences like family dynamics, abuse, neglect, betrayal, violence, loss, or social rejection can indirectly influence our current relationships, including those involving sex.
Trauma is defined as an event so distressing that it overwhelms our coping mechanisms and leaves us feeling helpless, ashamed, and vulnerable. When this occurs during intimate interactions, such as those between lovers, it can create a sense of fear, mistrust, shame, guilt, insecurity, numbness, and disconnection. Such experiences teach us lessons about ourselves, others, and the world around us. They often involve feelings of powerlessness and lack of control, leading to patterns of behavior, thought, and beliefs that persist into future relationships.
The most common types of trauma involve sexual assault, emotional manipulation, verbal attacks, physical aggression, abandonment, or exploitation.
Any experience that makes us feel unsafe, violated, or unloved can be traumatic. This includes witnessing domestic abuse, neglectful parenting, emotional abuse by teachers or friends, bullying, or other forms of psychological harm. These non-sexual relational traumas can impact our ability to form healthy bonds with partners because they lead us to question whether we are safe and deserving of love.
When we carry relational traumas from previous relationships into new ones, they may color our perceptions of trust and vulnerability. We may struggle to express our desires openly or allow ourselves to receive pleasure from our partner due to past pain. It's essential to recognize these tendencies and work through them with professional support so we can fully engage in current relationships and find greater satisfaction and connection.
How do relational traumas unrelated to sexuality indirectly influence sexual satisfaction, desire, and trust?
Relational traumas can have an indirect impact on sexual functioning through several mechanisms. Firstly, it is often associated with changes in interpersonal communication patterns, which may also apply to the intimate relationship between partners. Trauma survivors who experienced neglect or abuse tend to be more sensitive to rejection and have low self-esteem, making them less confident in expressing their needs and preferences in bed.