Ethics are moral principles that govern our conduct and behavior. In an intimate relationship such as marriage, ethics become even more important because it is a lifelong commitment to one person. This means that each partner must be honest about themselves, their feelings, thoughts, desires, actions, and intentions so there is no room for lies or deceit.
Being too honest can also cause problems in the relationship because some things may hurt or embarrass your partner, especially when talking about sensitive subjects like past affairs or financial issues. It's easy to say you will always be honest in your relationship, but how do you define honesty? Is it saying what you think your partner wants to hear? Or speaking the truth even if it hurts? How do you maintain radical honesty while still protecting your partner from feeling uncomfortable? Here are some common dilemmas that arise in intimate partnerships.
1. Lying About Your Feelings: When you feel unhappy, angry, frustrated, disappointed, or sad with your partner, it's tempting to hide these emotions and pretend everything is fine. But this creates distance between you both and makes your partner feel ignored and unloved. If you bottle up your feelings, they will eventually erupt into arguments or resentment. To avoid lying, try expressing yourself clearly without blaming or accusing your partner. Say "I feel X" instead of "You did Y".
"I feel upset when I come home and find dirty dishes in the sink" instead of "Why don't you ever clean up after yourself?"
2. Lying About Your Past: Some people believe in complete transparency and want to share all their secrets with their partner. Others keep their past experiences private out of shame or fear of rejection. Sharing your past might involve discussing sexual history, drug use, criminal records, family conflicts, or other personal details that can cause discomfort or embarrassment. It's okay to keep some things secret as long as you don't lie about them. Instead of making a big confession, slowly introduce these topics over time and see how your partner responds. You could say, "When we first met, I was struggling financially and had to work multiple jobs" instead of "I used to be homeless."
3. Lying About Your Intentions: It's easy to promise something you know you won't follow through on, like staying at home more often or spending less time with friends. This creates distrust and resentment because your partner feels betrayed. To maintain radical honesty, set realistic expectations and stick to them. Don't make promises unless you can keep them. If you do break a promise, apologize sincerely and explain why it happened.
"I forgot we were supposed to go out tonight because I was working late" instead of just not showing up.
4. Lying About Your Desires: Hiding your desires is another way of lying because you are misrepresenting who you truly are. People have different interests, fantasies, and preferences that may change over time. Some people enjoy experimenting sexually while others prefer monogamy. Being honest about what you want helps build trust and intimacy in the relationship.
"I would love to try role-playing but only if we both feel comfortable and safe doing so" instead of saying nothing.
5. Lying About Other Relationships: Cheating is a common reason for divorce, especially when one partner lies about their infidelity. Honest communication is essential in any relationship, especially when discussing past relationships or sexual partners. Talk openly about your feelings without making excuses or justifications. Acknowledge mistakes and take responsibility for them. Use "I" statements such as "I cheated on you last year because I felt neglected" instead of blaming your partner.
Maintaining radical honesty in an intimate partnership takes effort and communication skills. It's okay to lie sometimes, but don't let it become a habit. Be mindful of how your words affect your partner and always strive for transparency. Remember, honesty builds trust and intimacy, while dishonesty creates distance and distrust.
What ethical dilemmas arise in maintaining radical honesty within intimate partnerships?
There are several ethical dilemmas that may arise when practicing radical honesty in intimate relationships. One such dilemma is the potential for hurt feelings and damaged trust that can result from being brutally honest with one's partner about sensitive topics like past infidelity or personal insecurities. Another concern is the possibility of causing offense by sharing opinions on sensitive social or political issues that differ from those held by one's partner.