As couples spend time together and form deeper bonds, their ideas about love, sex, and relationships change and evolve. This can lead to differences in what they value when it comes to these areas.
Mismatched sexual values don't have to cause problems in a relationship if both partners are willing to communicate openly and understand each other's needs.
Sexual Values
Sexual values refer to the beliefs and attitudes that individuals hold towards sex, including their opinions on topics such as sexual activity, intimacy, privacy, and pleasure. These values are often shaped by personal experiences, cultural influences, religious or spiritual practices, and social norms. In heterosexual couples, there may be differences between the male and female partner, or even within one person over time.
A woman may become more conservative after having children while her husband remains liberal, or a man might feel pressured to perform a certain way due to societal expectations.
Communication
When it comes to sex, couples need to communicate clearly with each other. They should discuss their desires, boundaries, fears, and turn-ons without judgment or criticism. It is important to create a safe space where everyone feels comfortable expressing themselves honestly. Listening actively is crucial, as is being open to hearing different perspectives. Both partners should aim for mutual understanding rather than compromise. If one person wants to try something new or deviant, they should ask permission instead of assuming consent.
Negotiation
Negotiation involves finding common ground between two people with different sexual values. This can involve coming up with creative solutions that work for both parties, such as exploring non-penetrative options like oral sex or mutual masturbation, incorporating roleplaying or bondage, or taking turns to satisfy each other's needs. Couples should remember that no value is inherently right or wrong, but rather reflective of an individual's background and preferences. Compromising on specific acts or frequency is also possible, as long as it doesn't violate personal limits or harm anyone involved.
Intimacy
Intimacy goes beyond just physical pleasure - it involves emotional connection and trust. A mismatch in sexual values does not mean a couple can't be intimate; they may have a different definition of what this means. For some, closeness can manifest through cuddling, kissing, or even holding hands. Others might prefer deeper conversations about dreams, hopes, or fears. Whatever the case, couples need to prioritize building strong bonds outside of the bedroom, so that when they do engage in sexual activities, there is already a foundation of affection and respect.
How do couples make sense of mismatched sexual values?
In many cases, couples who have different sex drives may struggle to find common ground when it comes to their intimate lives. It can be challenging for one partner to understand why their partner has such high/low libido, while the other partner might feel frustrated that they are not receiving enough attention and affection from their significant other. In order to navigate these differences in sexual values, communication is key.