When it comes to expressing desire, many people find themselves caught between wanting what they want and being afraid of how others might respond if they say it out loud. This is especially true for those who identify as queer, nonbinary, transgender, polyamorous, kinky, BDSM, or kink-curious. They may worry that their desires are too taboo, weird, embarrassing, gross, shameful, or unacceptable to share.
Authenticity is essential to maintaining healthy relationships, both romantic and platonic. In this article, I will explore strategies that individuals can use to communicate their needs and wants while avoiding judgment from others.
Let's start with some definitions. Authenticity refers to being true to oneself, being honest about one's thoughts and feelings, and presenting an accurate representation of one's identity. It involves expressing emotions, beliefs, and values openly without fear or shame. Individuals who maintain authenticity in their communication tend to have higher self-esteem, better mental health, and stronger social connections than those who don't. Desire, meanwhile, is a feeling of longing or craving, often associated with sexual attraction but applicable to many other areas of life.
Evaluation means making judgments based on criteria such as morality, appropriateness, safety, etc. Evaluation is often negative when it leads to criticism, shaming, rejection, or disapproval.
So why do so many people struggle with sharing their desires? One reason could be the stigma surrounding certain types of desire.
Many people still view BDSM as immoral, abusive, or deviant despite its widespread acceptance today. As a result, they may feel ashamed or afraid to speak up about their kinky interests for fear of being ostracized by friends, family, coworkers, or even society at large. Another factor could be cultural norms around gender roles, sexual orientation, relationship structures, or sex itself.
Queer couples might face discrimination if they choose to have nontraditional relationships (such as polyamory), while straight couples may avoid discussing sexual intimacy due to religious beliefs or societal expectations.
Individuals may simply lack confidence in their ability to communicate effectively with partners, leading them to doubt themselves before they ever get started.
There are steps that individuals can take to overcome these challenges and maintain authenticity in expressing desire:
1) Acknowledge internalized oppression - Recognize how social attitudes affect one's own self-image and work to challenge those ideas. This involves examining personal biases, seeking out support from like-minded communities, and learning more about what makes one unique. 2) Build trust with loved ones - Establish a safe space where all feelings and experiences can be shared without judgment or shame. This means listening actively, respecting boundaries, affirming values, and creating an environment where everyone feels comfortable speaking openly. 3) Express desires gradually - Start small by sharing only as much information as needed until others become accustomed to the topic. This allows for gradual exploration of boundaries, limits, and expectations without overwhelming anyone involved. 4) Normalize conversations - Use everyday language rather than special terms or acronyms to avoid confusion or misinterpretation. Discussion should center on common needs, wants, fears, and hopes instead of specific acts or scenarios. 5) Be clear but concise - Don't use vague phrasing or euphemisms; say exactly what one wants/needs directly while using appropriate context clues if necessary (e.g., "I want us both naked during sex"). 6) Seek professional help if needed - If someone struggles with communication or has been harmed by past relationships, they may need outside assistance to improve their skills and address trauma. This could involve therapy, coaching, or even group sessions.
Individuals who prioritize authenticity in expressing desire will benefit from stronger relationships, increased self-esteem, and greater emotional wellbeing. By taking steps such as recognizing internalized oppression, building trust with loved ones, expressing desires gradually, normalizing conversations, being clear and direct, and seeking professional support when needed, they can overcome social stigma and personal fears to communicate honestly and effectively.
How do individuals maintain authenticity in expressing desire when they fear negative evaluation?
Desire is an important part of human life that influences our thoughts, feelings, behaviors, actions, relationships, and overall well-being. It involves seeking something that we want for ourselves (or others), which can be a physical need such as food or shelter, or it may refer to more abstract ideas like love, happiness, success, recognition, power, or control.