A lot has been written about how couples can better communicate about their wants and needs in bed—but what about when it comes to figuring out just how often you want to have sex and how deep you're willing to go during your steamy sessions together?
Experts say that for most couples, sexual communication doesn't always come naturally, so they need to make an effort to understand each other's desires and boundaries around lovemaking. And while some people might assume this is something couples should talk about before getting married, experts agree that regular check-ins are necessary even after you tie the knot.
"Sexual communication becomes especially important as time goes on because tastes change," says psychologist Logan Levkoff, PhD, LMFT. "We evolve and grow, and partners may have different expectations."
If you haven't talked about your sex life with your partner yet, now is the time. Here's how to do it, according to experts.
Figure out why you want to discuss frequency and depth. Are you unhappy with how things are going between the sheets? Or maybe you simply want more information about your partner's preferences. If the latter, remember that this isn't a one-way conversation; you should be open about what you want, too. "You don't want to pressure your partner into anything they don't feel comfortable doing or having," Dr. Levkoff notes.
Think about what you hope to gain from these conversations. Maybe you're looking to experiment with new positions or want to try anal play—whatever it is, express those desires upfront. It'll also help you gauge whether your partner is down for trying something new.
And finally, communicate in a positive way. Don't use language like "I need" when talking about sexual matters, advises Rachel Needle, licensed marriage and family therapist. Instead of saying, "I need more sex," say something like "I would love more frequent sex." This small switch can go a long way toward making your partner more receptive to what you want.
When bringing up sexual communication, try not to get defensive if your partner doesn't immediately understand where you're coming from. Remember: You're both learning about each other's desires.
If your partner says they aren't interested in getting kinky with you right now but wants to talk about how often you have sex, listen closely. Try asking them why they don't want to engage in kinkier behavior or see if there's another activity that you could explore together instead, such as incorporating roleplaying during vanilla intercourse. If you still disagree after the conversation, it might be time to seek out professional help.
If you are unhappy with your current level of intimacy, be direct and specific about your expectations.
Tell your partner that you'd prefer having sex three times per week rather than once every couple of weeks. The same goes for depth; let them know you're eager to go all-in on a particular move or actively engage with a certain body part.
But here's the thing: Your partner may not always agree with your requests—and that's okay. It's essential to respect their boundaries and realize that these conversations will take time and effort, which is something couples should work towards over time. And just because you don't see eye-to-eye at first doesn't mean this isn't an opportunity for growth in your relationship.
"You can use these discussions as a way to learn more about each other and what makes you feel satisfied," Levkoff explains. "The goal is to understand one another better."
It also helps to remember that sexual communication isn't just about frequency and depth. You can ask your partner questions about anything else that's been on your mind, like whether or not they'd ever like to try anal play or how much time they need to get ready before getting down and dirty.
The bottom line: Communication is key when it comes to a satisfying sex life—so don't be afraid to open up to your partner about what turns you on and off.
How do partners align expectations surrounding sexual communication frequency and depth?
The study of sexual communication patterns is a complex field of research that involves numerous factors such as cultural norms, individual beliefs, personal preferences, and past experiences. In terms of alignment between partners' expectations regarding sexual communication frequency and depth, there are several considerations. Firstly, it depends on how openly both individuals communicate their needs and desires.