The researchers investigated how patterns of desire mismatch affect married couples' levels of satisfaction. In one study, they asked participants to report their own desires for frequency, duration, and intensity of sexual activity. They also asked them to rate their partner's desires for these same factors.
Men reported wanting more sex than women did.
Some women desired less frequent but longer and more intense sex than most men did. Couples who both wanted similar amounts of sex and desired it similarly were happier than those who didn't match up in these ways. This was true even when controlling for other variables that might influence marital satisfaction, such as income, age, education level, and children in the household. It seems that being on the same page about how often and how long you want to have sex is important for marital happiness.
Another study looked at different types of desire mismatches.
Some people may want more or less physical intimacy or emotional closeness than their partners do. When there are big differences between partners' wants, this can be a source of conflict and dissatisfaction. The researchers found that mismatched desire for physical intimacy had the strongest negative impact on overall marital quality. Mismatches in emotional closeness had less of an effect. It may be because physical intimacy is more visible and obvious than emotional closeness, so couples notice and talk about it more. Or, it could be that differences in emotional closeness are easier to negotiate than differences in sex drive.
A third study examined the role of communication in desire mismatches. Participants were told to imagine they had a desire mismatch with their partner and then role-played conversations about it. They practiced expressing themselves honestly and openly without attacking or blaming their partner. Afterwards, participants felt closer to their partner and reported higher levels of marital satisfaction than before. In general, communication is key to resolving desire mismatches. Couples need to be able to share what they want and listen respectfully to each other's needs. This requires honesty and trust, but also skillful listening and speaking.
These studies suggest that couples who match up in terms of frequency, duration, intensity, and type of sexual activity tend to be happier than those who don't.
Even if you have different desires from your partner, it's possible to work through them by communicating openly and negotiating compromises. By understanding our own and our partner's wants, we can find ways to meet both people's needs and build a satisfying relationship.
How do patterns of desire mismatch influence marital satisfaction?
Desire is an intricate phenomenon that can be influenced by several factors, including personal preferences, cultural norms, past experiences, and societal expectations. Marriage, on the other hand, is a complex relationship between two individuals with unique needs and desires. When these two elements collide, it can lead to misunderstandings, conflicts, and ultimately dissatisfaction.