What is a cognitive bias?
A cognitive bias is a pattern of thinking that causes people to make irrational decisions based on their beliefs, experiences, social norms, emotions, and even subconscious attitudes towards certain topics. Everyone has cognitive biases because they are natural consequences of having a mind.
Some biases can be more destructive than others.
People often believe what they want to hear, which creates confirmation bias. Or they may hold onto outdated knowledge, creating the illusion of control called the "illusory truth effect". Other cognitive biases include anchoring, where people rely too much on one piece of evidence, and sunk cost fallacy, where past investments influence current choices. All these biases affect people's sexual expectations and behavior.
Sexual expectations
Sexual expectations refer to how individuals imagine sex will happen before it happens. These expectations can shape partner selection, sexual desire, foreplay, positions, and orgasm. They depend on culture, gender, age, education, religion, pornography exposure, peer pressure, and personal preferences. When someone's sexual expectations do not match reality, disappointment and frustration ensue.
A woman may expect her boyfriend to initiate every time but he does not feel confident enough. As a result, she becomes anxious during sex and blames herself for not being attractive enough. This situation would benefit from a frank conversation about communication styles and intimacy needs. Another scenario involves two men who assume they must be dominants or bottoms in bed without discussing desires first. Instead, they end up feeling insecure and resentful.
Cognitive biases that affect sexual expectations
There is no one-size-fits-all answer to this question because everyone has different experiences and perspectives.
Some common cognitive biases include:
- Ingroup bias
People often overestimate their group's superiority while underestimating others. This bias occurs when a man believes women are less sexual than him. He might assume his wife will be asexual or only want quickies, leading to dissatisfaction and infidelity. Or when straight women stereotype lesbians as promiscuous, making them avoid exploring their own sexuality.
- Confirmation bias
People seek information confirming preexisting beliefs and ignore opposing evidence.
A heterosexual man may watch straight porn to learn how to please his girlfriend but dismisses gay male porn as irrelevant. This reinforces gender roles and narrows his sexual horizons. Similarly, a straight couple that exclusively looks at vanilla pornography ignores BDSM and other kinks. They fail to realize their partner might enjoy these activities too.
- Hindsight bias
People rewrite history after the fact by inventing reasons for past events.
A woman blames herself for an unsuccessful date instead of her dress code choice. She thinks she should have worn something more revealing even though it was not appropriate for the situation. Her self-esteem suffers because of hindsight bias.
- Overconfidence effect
People tend to believe they are better than others. Men with "player" status think they can bed any woman without effort. But this confidence backfires when they meet a strong-willed woman who refuses them. A similar scenario happens when couples assume they know each other well enough to read minds and emotions during sex. They misread signals and end up frustrated.
How cognitive biases affect sexual expectations
Cognitive biases influence sexual expectations in various ways. They can lead people to:
- Expect idealized relationships based on romantic fantasies or media portrayals. These ideals often do not match reality because real partners cannot fulfill all desires.
- Think sex is only about physical pleasure and ignore emotional intimacy. This attitude leads to unsatisfactory encounters where one partner feels used or abandoned.
- Judge others based on stereotypes rather than individual characteristics. Women may assume men want intercourse quickly while men assume women always fake orgasms. Such assumptions make partners feel misunderstood and unsupported.
- Fail to communicate honestly about needs and preferences due to social norms or shame. Some cultures consider discussing sex taboo, so individuals do not address concerns. Others fear being judged as perverts if they ask for kinks or positions outside traditional norms.
- Assume their gender, race, age, body type, or orientation determines attraction levels.
An overweight man might avoid dating or sex entirely because he believes no one finds him attractive. Or a straight person might not explore same-sex attractions because of societal pressure.
Cognitive biases affect everyone's sexual expectations, from personal beliefs to relationship dynamics. By understanding these biases, individuals can overcome them and improve their sex lives.
What cognitive biases influence sexual expectations?
Cognitive biases are systematic errors in thinking that can affect people's perceptions, judgments, and decisions. In terms of sexual expectations, several cognitive biases may play a role. One such bias is confirmation bias, which involves seeking out information that confirms existing beliefs while ignoring contradictory evidence. This can lead individuals to overestimate their chances of success with potential partners or underestimate the likelihood of rejection.