Sexual expectations are often unspoken agreements between romantic partners regarding their sexual activities. They may include desires for frequency, location, positioning, stimulation, duration, intensity, roleplay, or anything else related to physical intimacy. These can be implicit or explicit but they rarely go without saying in any relationship.
Some couples have similar expectations and enjoy fulfilling them together harmoniously while others have conflicting needs that create tension. Partners might avoid discussions about these differences due to shame, fear, discomfort, or embarrassment. Some people feel vulnerable when talking about their body parts, preferences, fantasies, or past experiences. Others don't want to appear needy or demanding. Yet all this silence has a price: it leads to disappointment, hurt feelings, resentment, anger, frustration, distrust, or even infidelity.
A hidden contract is an agreement that remains secret, like an elephant in the room. It doesn't necessarily mean both parties agree with its existence or agree with its terms, yet they never talk about it, so it takes on great power. The lack of communication creates ambiguity and misunderstanding. Each partner assumes their own interpretation of what the other person wants or doesn't want, which is often far from accurate. This causes friction and conflict down the road when one partner feels betrayed or deceived.
If someone thinks their partner wants more sex than they do but never says it out loud, both will feel angry later when the truth comes out.
Many couples believe they share the same expectations but don't because they never discussed them openly. They think they are on the same page regarding frequency, location, duration, and intensity when in reality they aren't. Unmet desires grow into resentments and arguments. Lack of intimacy generates distance between partners and makes relationships less enjoyable, causing them to drift apart.
The best solution is to have an honest conversation about sexual expectations as early as possible. Be specific, detailed, clear, and respectful. Discuss frequency, location, positioning, stimulation, duration, roleplay, and any other important aspect you care about. Use 'I statements', avoid blame and criticism, and focus on your needs rather than judging your partner. Listen carefully to what they say and be willing to compromise. Try not to make assumptions or read between the lines - ask questions for clarification.
This exercise builds trust and reduces conflict by laying all cards on the table. It enables partners to negotiate their differences, come up with creative solutions, and learn to adapt together. Communication helps create an environment of mutual understanding and empathy, where each partner feels heard, valued, and supported.
How might sexual expectations create hidden contracts within relationships that later generate conflict?
Sexual expectations can create unspoken agreements between partners that may lead to future conflicts if not addressed properly. These "hidden contracts" are often related to how much sex each partner wants or needs, frequency of intimacy, and type of sexual acts performed during intercourse. If one partner feels unsatisfied with the other's level of involvement or performance, it could lead to misunderstandings and resentment.