Erotic fantasies are common among individuals who experience them privately or share them publicly. These fantasies can be related to an imagined romantic interest, a past love affair, a desire for an anonymous encounter, or a situation that is taboo in real life. They may involve masturbation, roleplaying, or exhibitionism. Erotic fantasies can also involve physical attributes such as race, age, gender, body shape, hair color, eye color, facial features, skin tone, voice, height, and others.
They don't have to include all of these characteristics at once. Individuals can focus on one aspect while leaving out another. Some people engage in fantasy play without ever having had actual sexual encounters. Others do so as part of foreplay with their partner. Yet others incorporate elements from their fantasies into their sexual experiences. Still others have a more private relationship with their erotic fantasies and never discuss them with anyone else. When it comes to sharing erotic fantasies with partners, some couples find it stimulating, while others become jealous or uncomfortable. But what does this say about attraction? And how might these fantasies influence perceptions of others?
Attraction and Perception
Attraction is a feeling of strong liking or wanting to be close to someone sexually, emotionally, or physically. It can happen before, during, or after meeting someone new. Attraction is often based on physical appearance and personality traits, but it can also depend on factors like background, values, beliefs, lifestyle, and goals.
When it comes to dating or finding a long-term partner, individuals often have specific criteria for the ideal mate. These preferences may change over time, depending on personal experience and circumstances. What happens when someone has an erotic fantasy that differs greatly from their real life partner or potential date? Is there still attraction and desire? If not, why not? Could that lead to increased attraction and interest later on? Or would it turn off the individual altogether?
Erotic Fantasies vs. Real Life Partner
Erotic fantasies can be highly detailed and involve explicit language, scenarios, and sensations. They can include multiple partners, unusual situations, and even paraphilias. Some people use fantasies as a way to explore their desires without ever acting on them in reality. Others incorporate elements of their fantasies into their sexual experiences with partners. This can make it challenging to separate fantasy from reality, which can cause confusion or conflict in relationships.
Imagine a man who dreams about having a threesome with two women. In his fantasy, he is tall and muscular, the women are blonde and petite, and all three engage in BDSM activities. In real life, he is short and balding, his wife is brunette and curvy, and they enjoy missionary position. While this man might find his fantasy incredibly arousing, he may feel self-conscious about sharing it with his wife due to the differences in appearance and activity. He may also wonder if she'll think less of him for admitting his private thoughts. Alternatively, he could discuss it openly and see how his partner responds. She may share similar interests, find it humorous, or be turned off by the idea entirely. How he responds will depend on his comfort level with intimacy and honesty.
In another scenario, a woman imagines being dominated by her boss during work hours. She has no interest in him outside of work, but finds the thought of submitting to him sexually exciting. When he invites her to a business dinner after hours, she panics and wonders what he wants from her. Is he attracted to her? Does he know about her fantasy? Will he take advantage of her vulnerability? These concerns can create anxiety and lead to avoidance, even though her attraction to him is genuine. If they were able to talk openly about their mutual interest, they could explore it safely without fear of rejection or judgement. This could strengthen their bond through communication and trust.
Erotic Fantasies as Turnoffs
For some individuals, erotic fantasies are a turnoff rather than an attraction. They may see them as immoral, perverted, or disrespectful.
Someone who believes in monogamy might find threesomes unappealing. Someone who values chastity might disapprove of pornography and masturbation. An individual with religious beliefs might view all sexual encounters outside of marriage as sinful. In these cases, there's little room for discussion and compromise. The partner may feel threatened by their partner's desires or question their commitment to the relationship. It's important to discuss these differences before becoming intimate and share expectations upfront.
Erotic fantasies can enhance intimacy and create opportunities for deeper connection. A couple who shares a fetish may explore it together, building trust and intimacy through exploration and experimentation. A pair who uses roleplaying to spice up sex can engage in new activities that deepen emotional bonds. A long-distance couple who enjoys video chatting during solo play can build anticipation for future meetings and reunions.
How do erotic fantasies influence partner perception and attraction?
Erotic fantasies can have a significant impact on how individuals perceive their partners and their level of attraction towards them. These fantasies can range from mildly suggestive thoughts to elaborate scenarios involving sexual acts that may be completely unrealistic. When people are engrossed in these fantasies, they tend to project certain attributes onto their partners that enhance their attractiveness and desirability.