Relationships are built upon communication between partners. This communication takes many forms, from verbal discussions to nonverbal cues and gestures.
Sometimes it is not possible for couples to have an open discussion about their expectations regarding sex.
When couples decide to be in an open relationship, they may avoid expressing their desires to one another in order to keep things fair. In such situations, unspoken relational rules take precedence over explicit agreements, shaping sexual behavior more strongly than spoken rules.
Unspoken rules can be difficult to identify, but they often involve a subconscious sense of what's expected of each partner during sexual encounters. These rules may include physical signals that convey desire or disinterest, body language that indicates attraction or repulsion, or even subtle behaviors that suggest consent or refusal. The problem is that these signals cannot always be interpreted accurately by the other person involved, leading to misunderstandings or miscommunication.
Consider a couple who has agreed to engage in consensual nonmonogamy. One partner may feel entitled to certain sexual acts, such as oral sex, while the other does not wish to perform them. To avoid conflict, the second partner might simply decline without explanation, leaving the first feeling rejected or embarrassed. Without clear, explicit communication about what is acceptable, the situation could become strained quickly.
If the couple had established a shared understanding through words, there would be no room for misinterpretation. They could talk about what types of sex are acceptable and which are off-limits, ensuring that both partners understand each other's boundaries. But because they haven't done this, they fall back on unspoken rules instead. This puts pressure on the less assertive partner to guess at the other's wishes, potentially causing harm to their relationship.
In another scenario, two people may have a discussion about how many times per week they want to have sex. After agreeing upon a number, one partner becomes frustrated when it doesn't happen enough, while the other feels smothered by too much intimacy. Unspoken relational rules come into play again, with each partner assuming the other desires something different than what was actually communicated.
Unspoken rules can even lead to abuse. A partner who expects to control their partner during sexual encounters may use coercion, manipulation, or violence to get what they want, creating an unsafe environment for all involved. Such situations require immediate intervention from outside help.
Unspoken relational rules shape sexual behavior more strongly than explicit agreements due to their subconscious nature and difficulty in identifying them accurately. For healthy relationships, partners must learn to communicate openly about their needs and desires to avoid misunderstandings and conflicts.
In what ways do unspoken relational rules shape sexual behavior more strongly than explicit agreements?
Unspoken relational rules are often much stronger determinants of sexual behaviors than explicit agreements because they reflect shared cultural norms about sex that are widely accepted as appropriate or normal within a given context. These rules can be difficult for individuals to articulate and may even be contradictory or inconsistent with personal desires and values, leading them to feel conflicted when trying to make choices based on their own preferences rather than society's expectations.