Most adults have some memory of their own childhood experiences surrounding sex and sexuality.
They may remember learning about puberty, understanding the differences between male and female bodies, watching pornography for the first time, being attracted to members of the opposite gender, dating, kissing, touching, masturbation, intercourse, orgasms, pregnancy scares, abortion, parenthood, divorce, and other topics. These experiences are usually private, personal, and formative. But what if you were adopted? What if your parents never shared these stories with you, leaving you feeling like an outsider?
Children who grow up in families that practice certain religions may feel pressure from their community and family to conform to traditional values regarding sex, while those raised in secular homes might be more permissive. Similarly, children of mixed race or ethnic heritage may feel confused when their biological parents do not share the same cultural background as them. They must navigate both physical and emotional boundaries to find acceptance and belonging.
Adopted children may also struggle with identity issues, particularly if they don't know much about their biological roots. They may wonder why they are different from others, whether it is due to genetics or environment. This can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness, which often manifests itself through behavioral problems or social anxiety. In addition, they may experience confusion over how they fit into a new family system.
The effects of adoption on a child's sense of self-esteem can be profound. Adoption carries with it a stigma that can make children feel ashamed and embarrassed. It can cause feelings of rejection and abandonment.
Children who have been abandoned by birth parents may question their value and worth. All of these factors impact the way children develop relationships, including sexual ones.
If a child feels unwanted or unloved, he or she may become promiscuous or seek attention elsewhere. Likewise, if a child feels different from his or her peers, he or she may engage in risky behaviors to try to fit in.
As adopted children mature, they often seek out information about their biological parents and ancestors. Some families support this search for answers while others forbid it. Either way, the process can be fraught with emotions and complications. It is common for adoptees to experience mixed feelings of excitement, fear, anger, guilt, sadness, grief, loss, betrayal, and denial. These conflicting emotions can affect every aspect of life, including intimacy and trust in romantic relationships.
Adoptive families are not always able to provide accurate guidance regarding sex and sexuality. They may not know what resources to recommend or where to turn for help. This lack of support can lead to frustration and resentment among both children and adults alike. When parents don't understand how best to address such topics, they may become overly controlling or passive. In some cases, parents may even use shame as a tool to keep their children 'in line.'
Children who feel different or abnormal may be more likely to experiment with new experiences or activities outside of the norm. They may explore alternative lifestyles or practices, such as BDSM or polyamory. This can lead to further confusion and anxiety.
Being an adopted child means navigating conflicting family values around sex and sexuality. Children must learn to find acceptance and belonging in their new environment without losing touch with who they are or where they come from. It requires patience, understanding, and communication on all sides. While there are no easy solutions, adoptive families can take steps to create safe spaces for dialogue and exploration.
How do adopted children navigate conflicting family sexual values?
Researchers have found that adopted children are at an increased risk for experiencing identity crises and attachment difficulties due to their unique family structure. They may feel caught between two worlds - one where they were not wanted by birth parents and another where they might be pressured into conforming to different cultural or religious beliefs from adoptive parents (Hamilton & McDermott, 2019).